Archive for May, 2009

No matter what kind of relationship people think they have there is always room for deception. Its covert nature allows it to remain undetected for years until such time as the senses are tweaked or a mistake is made and the cover is blown.

You read about it, watch shows about it, even hear about it within your own social circle. Everyone knows someone who at one time or another was deceived by their spouse or partner. The reasons are many for this behaviour, the most common and succinct reasons for lying, after researching this topic, were the following:

1. To avoid consequences – rather lie than own up to a behaviour

2. Afraid of losing their spouse or partner

3. Embarrassment – to tell the truth may be humiliating

4. Protect someones feelings – perceived hurt will come from disclosure

5. Control – manipulating what someone will think for their own gain

6. Addiction – hiding from self and others

7. Lifestyle – holding on to behaviours even if they are damaging trust/intimacy

I have read enough blogs, websites, heard personal stories and have experienced the presence of this interloper. As humans we appear unable to stop it from trespassing in our lives. I believe that some people may keep their secrets or outwardly lie because they truly feel there is a need to protect something of importance to them. I, however think that it is hard to ask for love and trust to enter in a relationship, when behind the scene is deception.

The question becomes…Can trust and love exist in the presence of lies and secrets? and What about forgiveness? When we see celebrities and even politicians (mainly wives) supposedly forgiving their partners lies and indiscretions are we to assume it is status quo?

I don’t believe one truly forgives and I know one can never forget. It is my belief that deception and the associated behaviours leave a permanent mark on a relationship, even if you are unaware of all that is going on. It can’t possibly not! Every time you tell a lie or keep something from your partner are you not putting one more brick up in front of true intimacy?

As for forgiveness I found an interesting analysis of forgive and forget by Dr. Guy Grenier who appeared on CBC’s Steven and Chris show.

“Forgiveness is essentially saying you’ve done something wrong, but that is OK. No, it wasn’t Ok what you did; doing it wasn’t OK yesterday, today, 10 days from now or twenty years from now. Giving somebody a get out of jail free card because they’ve done something or even worse someone saying, “you have to forgive me.”  “No.”

“However, you don’t have to live with every pain you have ever suffered. Reconcile that bad things happen, we are not always going to get along, and we are going to do things that may hurt each other. But having this expectation that you are now going to have to deny your feelings, you have to lie about this hurt that may hurt you for the rest of your life, but you are not allowed to express or go back to that cuz you said “you would forgive”. “Is not true.”

I like that. Freeing in so many ways to know that you don’t have to live with the pain but you also don’t have to deny your feelings.

If you have been deceived or continue to be deceived there are decisions that must be made in any relationship. It is not uncommon for some people to turn their head in the hopes that see no evil will work and they will be able to go on with their life. I would err on the side of caution. Is it safe to stay in a partnership which could be riddled with deception and expect it to survive? How much can a soul take? In the definition of love was there any mention of secrets and lies? How much is too much forgiveness?

Lauryn Hill – some lyrics from Lost Ones

…Consequences is no coincidence/Hypocrites always want to play innocent/Always want to take it to the full out extent/ Never want to make it seem like good intent/ Never want to face it when it’s time for punishment/ I  know that you don’t wanna hear my opinion/ But there come many paths and you must choose one/ And if you don’t change then the rain soon come/See you might win some but you just lost one. You might win some but you just lost one.

…Now don’t you understand man universal law/ What you throw out come back to you, star/Never underestimate those who you scar/ Cuz karma, karma, karma comes back to you hard.

A conversation I had this morning spurred me on to write this post.

Did you ever meet someone that made me you feel at ease the first time you met them? Have you gone  to a party, dreading the fact that you know hardly anyone there, only to find yourself talking all night long with a person who shares similar interests? Have you met a good friend through a job? Developed a long distance friendship with someone you have never met in person?

All of these are examples of the connections we can make when we aren’t looking. It is not forced, it is a pleasant surprise. These fabulous opportunities are so genuine because there was no agenda attached, no timeline, no expectation. It takes an ordinary day or experience off in a whole different direction.

I believe there is a reason for meeting, it is by no accident that people come together. Their time spent can be fleeting but memorable, or be the beginnings of a long friendship. It could be that there is a message to be heard that can only come through this person and then they are gone. Possibly they are the teacher of  lessons you need to learn or the stepping stone to a dream. Whatever their reasons for coming into your life, it is worth it to be thankful.

One minute, one hour, one day, a lifetime can be turned around just by their introduction or presence. I have met so many exceptional people in the ways I described earlier. Some remain in my life, others made a lasting impact and I’m forever grateful for the time I had with them. I guess my point is:

Savor the moments, they are pure and they are what makes a dull day light up, a smile worth its weight in gold and a voice the most precious sound you will hear. Meaningful connections begin always when we least expect it.

It is by no accident…

Look out ocean here we come!

Well, sort of, maybe, sometime soon I’m sure, least I think so. For three months my husband and I have been researching boats and I’m hoping we are nearing the end of our research mission. I started out somewhat reluctantly entertaining this idea but have since come around to its benefits. It is well worth the time we have taken, as there is much to know and many people/boats to see. Everyone has an opinion; what styles they like, the best motors, maintenance issues, mooring, features that are for enjoyment, those that are necessities. It is all so mind boggling!

I discovered that I am claustrophobic and couldn’t be on a boat that would have us doing the majority of our cooking, eating and sleeping down inside a cabin. I’m not one for being relegated to the dungeon anywhere especially when I haven’t done anything wrong…lately. Instead, the most suitable style allows us to see outside just fine while sitting comfortably in the cabin.  To me,  it feels like a small motor home and I can deal with that just fine.

My top five motivations for becoming boaters are:

1. We get to spend time together seeing areas of our beautiful coast, not previously available to us via land.

2. I get to camp again, which I have been missing desperately for over eight years.

3. There will be no TV or computer taking up valuable time. The only technology will be boat related.

4. You meet other passionate boaters who make the whole experience seem that much greater.

5. Intimacy…alone just the two of us… relax, enjoy, eat, drink, be merry, and oh yeah, I’m bringing a whole bunch of board games. (Friends are welcome on occasion too, of course)

We have saved up money, have a budget, bought the books: Boating Handbook, Power Boating for Dummies, Anchoring and 2009 Ports and Passes – Tides, Currents & Charts. We are about to take the appropriate courses, and have been on and off so many now I think we are nearing a decision. I will be wearing my life jacket, adhering to boater safety, bringing my binoculars and scoping out the best destinations. Oh, the excitement builds!

I sure hope I don’t get sea sickness! I have never been a good traveller, humm?

What are the guiding principals of your life?

Values can be described as the beliefs, attitudes and philosophies which you consider important. They don’t change from personal life to work, they are not situational. You don’t just walk out the door and change your values. The decisions you make in life and the actions associated with those decisions are influenced by your values alone.

We have certain things in life we value more than others. Over the course of our lifetime they remain firmly intact, but some may differ in terms of priority. For instance: there are certain things you may have valued more as a youth than in your adult life. They are still there, just possibly a bit farther down the list.

What we value shows up in how we shop, when we vote, in our friendships, work and play. Some values may be protected and defended more than others, compromise may not be an option. When asked to compromise values you are placed in a bad position, one that can affect you personally, emotionally, spiritually and professionally.

Being clear about what you value can help in your career and your relationships. If you value Honesty, Integrity, Loyalty and Self Respect you will try to live accordingly and seek out others of like mind. You will not be inclined to work for a company that is dishonest or makes you feel uncomfortable because what you value, clashes with their organization. If you value, Action, Adventure, Excitement you may seek this out personally and/or professionally through activities and people.

It was Roy Disney who was quoted as saying “When your values are clear to you, making decisions become easier.” This is true. So, I encourage you to take some time for yourself and clarify “What do I value in my life?” List out what is important to you in order of priority. That will help you build the confidence necessary to make the right decisions in life and work.

Here is a small list of values to get you started:

affection, emotion, love, athletics, health, beauty, nature, peace, challenge, change, curiosity, travel, wealth, enjoyment, fun, humour, family, marriage, parenthood, friendship, ideas, intelligence, logic, wisdom, inner harmony, social welfare, spiritual life, power, prestige, recognition, financial security, pleasure, sensuality and play.

There are many things in life I can live without, far more than I could count right now. Off the top of my head I could probably say my top five needs have always been friends, family, food, shelter and music.

I was placed in the womb of a woman who adored music and sang all the time. With great certainty I know the vibrations of her voice in song made its way to me before I even saw the light of the real world. She was a professional singer until immigrating to Canada and becoming a full time Mum and was from a long line of musicians and entertainers.

Thankfully, this meant I was exposed to some of the best of the best in music and understood the difference between a trained voice and those that were not. My mother had her favourite records that would fill the house with music. She encouraged us to sing; on road trips, at family gatherings, on stages and in choir. The sound of music and song was everywhere.

I remember what helped me sleep at night was my little transistor radio tucked under my pillow. The joy of the first Christmas when my sister and I received our very own little blue stereo, and my first rock album was Little Queen by Heart. That album saw me through some of the happiest and darkest times in life and remains to this day in a frame on a wall in my home.

Music is the breath of life for me. It quiets my mind when nothing else will, it lifts me up when I’m down, and makes me move when I have forgotten the freedom to dance.  Throughout the years I have attended many, many concerts and fed for days on the energy they leave behind. I have seen a diverse group of artists from Liza Minnelli to Megadeth, Crosby, Stills and Nash to Annie Lennox, Elton John to BB King and of course Heart several times.

World, rock, pop, blues, jazz, classical, metal, the folk artists and the crooners have all contributed to my music infused world. The worst thing that could happen, is for me to live in a silent world away from music. I don’t even want to imagine it. Even as I write this the radio plays the songs of the day.

No matter where we will travel, music is a universal language. People join together in celebration and sorrow with music sewn into the experience. Like everyone, there is music that is not to my personal taste, but I can appreciate the joy and necessity to have it in life.

In the song Wooden Ships there is a line that say’s “If you smile at me I will understand, cause it is something everyone does in the same language.” Well, in my mind the same can be said for music, share with me your music and I will understand.

Unemployed or under-employed this is a time when some people may consider using their time and limited dollars towards educational upgrading. In a competitive job market this may seem like a logical step, but before you take that leap there are a few things I would like to share.

Many clients have sat in front of me placing their head in their hands after spending money on an education that did not yield the desired employment. Though the problem could be from a lack of proper job search, it also may be that they did not ask the right questions before heading back to school.

Read the rest of this entry »

It was the 1970′s, I recall my older sister being a great fan of the Star Trek series and that may have been how I became hooked on the adventures of the USS Enterprise. Whether on television or later in the theatres each of the main characters left their mark; Kirk, Spock, McCoy (Bones), “Scotty”, Sulu, Uhura and Chekov. There were other characters that graced the screen but these seven characters became the trusted and brave crew we turned up to see. In the make up of such a diverse crew, everyone had a chance to identify with someone.

Fast forward to 2009, Star Trek opened last week and the fans turned out to beam aboard the USS Enterprise yet again. When I saw the commercials I was a little hesitant, with so many disappointing youth centric movies out there I was concerned Star Trek was about to follow the same path. I didn’t look it up online either before going to the theatre. Maybe I should have, as I must confess I got a little lost in space for awhile trying to piece together the “alternate reality”. Thankfully, that was explained to me later.

The movie overall turned out to be good. Each of the new actors did a fine job of adopting the roles of the beloved crew, some developing better as the movie progressed. Though it is the portrayal of the younger years, it was easy to pick out trademark characteristics and this garnered lots of chuckles throughout the movie. The one person that I thought nailed his character right from the start was Simon Pegg who played “Scotty.”

Then there was the character of Uhura….

Read the rest of this entry »

SAVE THE DATE:

June 27, 2009 is a big day for the US Friends of the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust and they are inviting you!

A fundraising party is being held in Seattle, Washington to, as the save the date card says, “celebrate elephants and their contribution to our world.”

A formal invitation will be following but for all those that may want to be part of this celebration and contribute to such a wonderful organization please contact:

Wendie Wendt - Vice President and Fundraiser

Email: wendiewendt@sheldrickwildlifetrust.org

www.sheldrickwildlifetrust.org

I think I’m suffering a hangover but I didn’t touch a drop of alcohol.

It was voting day yesterday and we showed up at our local hall to exercise our freedom to do just that. I literally stood in the booth debating which way to go, do I tick off my party or tick off the party who had a slightly better chance of beating the existing government. Then I remembered where I lived….I knew right then it really doesn’t matter… just vote for the party I believe in, at least I can stay true to myself.

The plug your nose and vote thing doesn’t work for me, throwing my vote doesn’t inspire me and always being on the losing team is even less exciting. Voting just isn’t very fun! Sure I’m grateful for my right to vote but I still feel deflated.

So here is where my thinking is today:

* My party has to get out there and make their voices heard. They need better public relations skills and frankly speak louder not just on one issue but on their full platform.

* The candidates have to get us apathetic voters more engaged. Use technology, show up where the masses hang out and not just at election time. Stop talking about the same stuff, I get bored easily I need more information. Don’t be negative, it just doesn’t go over well in a society where “everyone is a winner” (even though they are not) and where bullying is a big “no no!”

Besides people like me who are just sick of knowing the end of the story before it begins, there are all those out there who have been raised to focus on themselves. No connection to the past, too busy to focus fully on the present and are quite willing to leave it up to others to dictate how the future will be.

I think young people don’t vote because the candidates did not produce a decent video game or failed to ask to be their friends on various social networking sites. Think about it twenty somethings might as well be more like teenagers, the only difference between the twenty – thirty range is they have a job. (or most of them do, some still have their parents flipping the bill)

So, if you want to get more voters next time join the social networking world…let people vote via their laptop or text in. If it works for American/Canadian Idol it should work for Provincial elections!

There is so much rolling around in my head today I have to break it all down into news bites.

In a previous post I wrote about the arrest and imprisonment of Roxana Saberi. Thankfully she has been released after spending four months in an Iranian jail, reunited with her parents and returning to the US. Humanitarian activism and political pressure made this possible as there were many high profile people advocating on her behalf and keeping her plight in the spotlight.  Hopefully this signifies a small step in the reform of policies that have made freedom of speech difficult and aids in the current attempts to build relations between the US, Iran and other nations.

In our neck of the woods, die hard Canuck fans are in the midst of a somber day of mourning. Yes, the fever pitch of excitement that was felt every week leading up to and including the playoff has come to a crashing halt. The golf clubs will be coming out, players will return back to their homes and we await the news of who will be part of the team next year and how much it is going to cost. Though some fans insist on the blame game, I for one could not pin the loss on any one player.  I do think our fans can be both passionate and ignorant, with riots in our history over small and large wins I guess we can all breath a sigh of relief that no damage will be caused in the near future. So, we await next season to begin again our weekly cheering for our Vancouver Canucks, the overblown anthem singer, the Hockey Night in Canada theme song and Don Cherry’s colourful suits/commentary. All will be right with the world.

Lastly, it is our Provincial voting day. What can I say there? We essentially have lack of real choice and the strong likelihood of our dictator resuming his position. We can look forward to another term of implementations without proper consultation, secretive deals, no opportunity for debates and further environmental and social destruction. Now differing to my inner optimist, when this day closes I hope for a surprise in the votes that adds more voices to the mix, strong candidates that can stand up to Dictator Campbell and electoral reform. If my vote doesn’t count this year hopefully it will the next go around.

That is all the news for this Talk Tuesday.