Archive for March, 2010

My dear friend is in hospital again having undergone yet another surgery to battle cancer. Cancer that has ravaged her body and resulted in the elimination and redirection of major organs that aid in the digestion and passing of food.  After visiting today I was astounded by the lunch tray that arrives for her. With a nutritionist providing the do’s and don’t sheet for her diet this morning, you would think that what she is fed would adhere to that advice. It does not.

No coffee, tea or caffeinated products – but there it is for breakfast and lunch. No celery but here we have cream of celery soup in front of her. Added to her cream of soup, is ice cream, milk and apple juice. If that was me I would be unable to eat lunch; being lactose intolerant and I can’t tolerate caffeine I would be starving in there.

You would think given the nature of her surgery there would be specific care directed to her meals. This is not the case, even with her last surgery I was questioning the choices made for a stomach and bowel that is now severely compromised.

Yes, I get the fact that making special diets for everyone in the hospital would be difficult and costly but shouldn’t there be exceptions? Given her circumstances and the strict rules as she moves from liquid, to pureed, to certain solid foods, wouldn’t it be logical to be encouraging proper dietary health care?

It is like one hand of the system doesn’t know what the other is doing. Multiple people coming in and out who may be undoing the work of the other. If they don’t want to take care of a patients diet then let the family know and work out some instructions for bringing in food. I mean, her mother brought in fruit, her friend brought in broth, it is already happening in the hopes she eats and keeps it inside.

There needs to be a hospital food intervention!

Is what they are feeding patients really healthy? Is all that milk based product what people need? Is there certain meats that should be a no, no in patient care? With all we hear about healthy cooking and foods wouldn’t it seem prudent to make sure the hospitals are providing just that?

She didn’t want to eat her meals, she was disappointed and fearful. Can you blame her? Most of what was on the list of “do not eat” was being given to her. That’s crazy!

Yes, my name is Jennifer and I’m a chocoholic.

You know in an interview when they ask “What is your weakness?” and people say something silly like “chocolate” to avoid the real answer, well I mean it. I’m not exactly ready to check into Willy Wonka’s Recovery House, which by the way was created to appease the growing criticism and potential lawsuits born from chocolate addiction. I still have some degree of will power but increasingly find it difficult to resist.

If there is a table full of delectable desserts set out before me, my eyes gravitate to anything with the brown colour. Brownies, chocolate cake, cupcakes, nanaimo bars (those are an instant draw), donuts with chocolate on top, chocolate finger cookies, it doesn’t matter. My hand reaches out and snaps the sucker up as if I was a Venus fly trap. Don’t even get me started on the mesmerizing effect a chocolate fountain has on me.

A chocolate bar, dark chocolate being my favourite, calls to me from my cupboard. Like a person who smokes may need their cigarette after a meal, I need a piece of chocolate. Like those who need a cup of coffee to start their day, I need my chocolate to continue mine. As a reward for a job well done or hard days work, I grab that little piece of comfort and happiness to place on my ever grateful tongue. I tell myself I will only have a square a day but then something takes over and somehow I can justify the value of having three more.

I pay for it. My skin gets red and flushed, I can temporarily have a sugar high but still it hasn’t deterred me from wanting more. Admittedly, (or I’m just offering an excuse) I haven’t many other vices left. No smoking, no drinking except the occasional glass of wine with loved ones. I don’t drink coffee or anything with caffeine, I’m clean! I say, I’m clean!

Somehow though this delicious cocoa wrapped in a shiny wrapper continues to keep my attention. I crave it, so now I  question whether I should do a sobriety test. Can I resist the temptation for one whole week? That’s the best I can do right now, we don’t need to go too far with this. Or will I fall apart like a half baked cookie?

I’m going to give it a shot! I will see if I have the power to take this on, rise to the challenge and know that I can conquer my demon on my own turf. Of course, I better tell my husband about this first so he won’t buy me another chocolate bar thinking that I’m out of  my pacifier, plus he may need to brace for some withdrawal symptoms and secondly, somebody has to hold me accountable.

For those of you that may have a similar affliction, give me strength, send good energy, provide your words of wisdom in how to make it through. I have a feeling I’m going to need it and if I don’t those closest to me will.

Eva past away today after battling Cystic Fibrosis. You may remember this incredible young woman from one of my previous posts. If you don’t, her blog 65 Red Roses gave us all a glimpse into life with CF. It was through her blog that I was reminded to feature the Canadian Cystic Fibrosis Foundation on my charity page. There are so many worthy causes to highlight on a monthly basis but Eva made it so real, this was too important, a fight for breath and life.

This angel is now free to fly. She courageously allowed us all into her personal space, documenting all the challenges and triumphs that came with her life. It was clear she was so dearly loved and respected. So many friends featured and her creativity and beautiful energy permeated the blog. Everything that is trivial about life for many of us took on a whole new meaning when you scanned her pages. Hope, that we cling to at one time or another, became a necessary thing for her to have and hold.

There is no way to sum up my feelings when I see such a brave woman leave us, so young. The vibrancy and bright colour of her energy was not something I would ever see in person, I didn’t need to. She painted the picture of her self and the world so well, to be in her presence was I’m sure an honor, to share in her life experience was a gift we can never repay.

For her family and friends I don’t know what I can say as I know this is a difficult time. There is no doubt an angel like this gets a special place to watch over those she loves. Her breath may be felt in the wind, her voice in the call of a bird, her softness is the petal of a rose but she is dancing right now. She dances with people she once knew on earth who happily greeted her, Eva continues to be loved and gives love beyond anything we can measure.

Today was a good sunny Saturday which we spent checking out local garage sales. The first of the season for us and I had forgotten how enjoyable that can be. Getting to know the area better all those streets you never have a reason to go down any other time are now familiar.

Like they say “one woman’s junk is another woman’s treasure” or some rendition of that and it is certainly true. I watched people picking up the oddest things but apparently it was needed. One sale was directly benefiting charity breast cancer to be specific, they had a lot of nice things to sell and they charged so little. My husband gave extra just because he felt we weren’t paying enough for the items we bought and it was for charity.

Conversely, we went to one of the more affluent areas of our neighbourhood, that home was massive. The people were chatting over tea and the items we bought, one vegetarian cookbook and an Italian pasta bowl cost twice as much. My husband commented as we walked to our vehicle, “Isn’t it funny you pay more for things at these homes; maybe they just place a higher value on their stuff.” He is right, there is no way to know what you will pay every seller has a different way of looking at their items.

We came home to work in our garden, his least favourite job but I was feeling great. I love a day that comes together with little effort, pleasant surprises and something to show for it at the end of the day. I think we will have to try a recipe in the next couple of days from our new vegetarian cookbook. After watching Food Inc. a couple of weeks back and Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution last night we are feeling the need to change our eating habits.

Sometimes a fresh day brings about the best of intentions.

(If you haven’t watched Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution show on Fridays, do so. He is a man on a mission to help everyone eat healthy foods, especially the children as his campaign takes him into the US school lunch programs and their communities)

Upon hearing that Canada’s notorious serial killer Clifford Olson’s has the ability to collect Old Age Security and the Guaranteed Income Supplement, I was incensed! Like many Canadians flooding the radio shows, newspapers and their MP’s email box, I too do not want my tax dollars going to support a multiple life term murderer.

If anyone is unfamiliar with this monster he was convicted of killing 11 boys and girls but has admitted to killing far more. He already received his blood money of a reported $100,000 to provide police with the bodies of victims. Growing up in the stomping grounds of this killer and knowing someone personally who escaped his grasp and later testified in court, this is of particular importance to me that he receives nothing. The public and the families of his victims deserve more than having to constantly deal with this man taking advantage of our systems.

He changed the way we lived; our parents were affected, schools implemented strategies to protect students going to and from the grounds and as children the way we saw our surroundings and strangers was never the same. All the while this guy roamed the streets, cleverly devised ways to lure children and did this without his own families knowledge. They were safe, we were not and all this money he has received goes to his estate.

Our Prime Minister Stephen Harper is looking at options through Human Resources to exclude prisoners from this money and they have the full backing of me and many others to do just that. Any money he received should have been given to the victims families or victim assistance programs. No dime should flow his way!

I have taken the two minutes to email my local MP’s office and I implore readers to do the same if you agree that tax payers dollars should not be given to prisoners, especially men like this who committed such heinous murders. We are currently forced to house, feed and provide necessary medical care for this creature but I refuse to believe tax payers should be forced to provide pensions.

Stand up and be counted! If you lend your voice this may change, he should not be given anymore control over us!

If you are not from Canada but are reading this, find out if your country is providing pensions to these types of prisoners. Decide for yourself if you can live with your money going to that prisoner or would you rather it go to someone who is deserving.

So, for some inexplicable reason I decided after spending a day with one foot in my office and one in my kitchen cooking tonight’s dinner, why not bake? In order to make all of this domestic diva stuff more palatable I cranked up my stereo to listen to Stevie. I am a far sight right now from the cool as I pull out the first batch of chocolate chip cookies but If Anyone Falls in Love with my feminine flare here, it will be my husband.

The other evening I played her CD and DVD, I get into zones like that where I saturate myself in the music of an artist. Still in that space two days later I am pulling out each of her Cd’s and having my own private concert. Given that cooking remains my least favourite thing to do, Stevie Nicks music is being used currently as a therapeutic tool. Similar to art therapy this music is helping me express a side of myself that I keep well hidden.

My fear, if I show my domestic side in the kitchen too often I will be expected to be in there more often. Stevie right now is keeping it real. I listen to her voice and I have to Stand Back for a moment as I’m instantly transported out of this kitchen into a whole other time in my life. Don’t get me wrong,  its not like I need the full escape; reeling back my years to be somewhere on The Edge of Seventeen, but when I’m cooking I need to be in the head space that this is not my only reality.

Instead of the apron I begrudgingly look down at…. in my mind I’m wearing my black boots and an outfit with a combination of Leather and Lace and in front of me on the stage is one of the Queens of rock! Right in the middle of all of this rockin out…the timer goes off…I’ve got to get my cookies out of the oven. I Can’t Wait until the next kitchen adventure with Stevie.

Edge of Seventeen

A while ago I shared with readers my excitement after watching Jane Goodall’s DVD Reason for Hope  A Spiritual Journey. For some odd reason I had to watch it again and again. This is not something I do when it comes to television or movies but I was really taken by her story and the message in this one hour program.

It got me thinking about my own life and just as she at one point had doubts and temporarily questioned her beliefs, so had I. In the midst of so many life challenges from childhood to adulthood it is easy to lose hope and there are so many distractions that take us off course. After reflecting on her message, I felt the need to explore the last time I felt spiritually connected and ask “Where do I find my hope?”

I’m not a religious person but I do consider myself spiritual. My spirituality is not tied to anything organized, the universe is my teacher and the answers come from within. Of course, the answers can only come if I clear the clutter and for the past few years I have taken less and less time to connect with myself. As a child I remember losing hope through the senseless taking of a person whose life was so precious to me. It is in that moment when anyone could lose their willingness to celebrate the journey.

There have been many times when hope temporarily fell but amazingly it always returned. Lately, I think I took it for granted, that it would easily spring forth like the flowers that now adorn my garden. However, that is not necessarily the case, sometimes I can be so preoccupied by the world and all the voices that surround me I forget hope. It is so noisy out here, we are all moving so fast and the news flies around, spinning us in circles.

I used to touch ground occasionally from this whirlwind by walking along the beach; I live right near two beaches and yet I can’t remember the last time I placed my feet in the sand. To stand there feeling so small, so alive, so incredibly lucky, so hopeful; that was the gift received just for taking the time out. That is the closest I get to bliss, to stand before the sea my spiritual place. Jane found her spiritual connection sitting deep in the forest of Gombe, I have found it standing at the oceans edge.

With everything I hear and read it is easy for me to lose hope. My concern for our planet and humanity grows so much so that I forget to breath and believe. After watching Jane build her life around reasons for hope, surrounding herself with symbols of hope and touching the lives of others so positively, I was awakened. I began to connect with things I had forgotten about myself and I now can rise to the challenge of re-introducing those things back into my life. I encourage anyone reading this to think about what grounds you and gather symbols of hope.

I find my hope in the ocean rushing toward me with such purpose. I find my hope in the eyes of people who have traveled to give me important life lessons. I find my hope in the face of a child who has no reason to doubt its existence. I find my hope in the old woman who said “Everyone is a child to me, I’m ninety-two years old.” I find my hope in the pictures that document my life, I find my hope in music that lifts my spirit, I find my hope in you.

Dedicated to the ones I love.

How do you feel about somebody receiving a promotion when clearly they didn’t deserve it?

This person or persons can’t communicate effectively, consistently doesn’t complete their projects on time or does a substandard job. They have little understanding of the mission, most of the time you see them playing catch up with the help of other staff and yet they get a promotion and an increase in pay. They can barely read, can’t spell, their math skills are non-existent and they have done nothing to warrant a promotion other than show up.

You and most of your other colleagues have fully grasped the fundamentals of your positions, seek additional training to boost your contribution and feel confident in your abilities.  However, that doesn’t matter because everyone is treated the same and the goal is to be shielded from criticism or damaged self esteem. Everyone is free to move up the ladder even if they were truly attempting to be better at their job but couldn’t grasp the position. They still were able to land right in the same position as you or even surpassed that position.

This is the state of an educational system that embraces social promotion. Afraid that little Johnny’s or Joanie’s self esteem will be destroyed it appears necessary to pass them through the school system despite the fact they have not completed the class requirements. Fearing criticism will sink Joanie’s confidence level, we’ll keep telling her that she has not failed but simply postponed her success. She can make it up next time, not to worry.

Johnny gets points just for being in class, he has a choice as to whether he will pay attention or not, he has been able to make his own choices since he was two and half years old.  Joanie had three out of ten questions right on her exam; she received a positive comment from her teacher which made her feel so good about her effort. It is not important that she or he learns it is important that he/she feels good about who they are. Johnny is graduating next year he doesn’t feel good about his job prospects and he has had difficulty filling out the job applications.

These were real examples of what is happening in today’s parental/academic world.

I, as a self esteem coach, do not subscribe to the philosophy that one is damaged by hearing criticism in fact I would encourage it. Knowing how to hear, accept and learn from criticism is important in the business world. The new age self esteem movement has blown things way out of proportion, it no longer resembles the true definitions associated with self esteem building. Everything is based on outside sources so the likelihood of self awareness is almost non-existent.

Maybe in a parents world and now in the schools, little Johnny is so “special”, but when he comes to work for a company the competition is tight. That is another downfall, the removal of competition. What a lame idea that was, to make every kid think he/she is automatically a winner. In real life there are winners and losers. By losing we learn more about ourselves, can face challenges head on which in turn makes us stronger. It is important to have something to strive for personally and professionally and it is extremely boring to think that an A can be obtained or a gold medal received by everyone no matter what they do!

Teaching children and making them accountable to someone and/or something is not cruel, it is validating. It is a true disservice when a parent or the system itself promotes a child knowing full well they are undeserving of the step forward. Do we truly think that child is not aware they are unprepared? How do they learn to feel the joy of true achievement when it is not expected? Why is it that we can give less but always want more?

Has the age of entitlement with its backlash against criticism and discipline gone to far?

I have worked with employers who have seen some challenges in employing youth. More often than not I received calls from employers because of poor attitudes on the job; the employee felt what they were asked to do was beneath them. I witnessed disrespectful language thrown back at  an employer when they provided constructive criticism. Countless stories of young women and men who can’t do basic tasks because they were never expected to do so in their own homes or in school,  so why expect them to do so on the job. Many employers felt the frustration of hiring youth because they always wanted to receive more money and bonuses without having been there long enough to warrant the increase. In other words they wanted a promotion without earning it.

Social promotion in my estimation doesn’t help a person’s self esteem and it doesn’t prepare them for a healthy, successful future. It places some parents in the position to have to fight to keep their child back knowing fully well they are not ready for the next grade. It places teachers who are opposed to it in a position to go with the status quo by inflating grades or knowingly passing a child who has not obtained the knowledge necessary to meet future requirements. It places the child in the position of being ill prepared for adult life and learning which I have seen time and time again with my own clients.

In order to be competitive in the world we must demand more from our educational system. Just because Johnny or Joanie graduates doesn’t mean she/he deserved too. It could be a case of passing along the problem and hoping it will all work out in the end. There are no winners in that game and I know as I’m am the recipient of passing grades in Math without ever having fully understood most of the lessons. It wasn’t till I graduated that I realized that was a bum deal.

Some time ago, I worked with a woman who was having difficulty finding employment. Though she had been in Canada for a number of years the work she had been doing here did not remotely resemble the skills she used in her former country. Her resume had been completed with the help of a school she attended for retraining but she didn’t seem proud of this one page resume staring back at her. When I began to ask some questions about certain information buried in it I learned half her life had vanished.

As we began to chat about her life experience I couldn’t help but ask “Why is this not on your resume.” She replied, “Well, they didn’t think it was necessary,  they told me to focus on my Canadian experience.”  (which was not relevant to the positions she was about to apply) Now, I don’t know about you but I don’t think I would feel very good nor confident with half my life missing from the page of my resume. You could clearly see how proud she was of her previous work and indeed she should be. This woman was educated, held a good professional position and demonstrated leadership in the positions she held. Somehow, this was not translatable in North America?

This is not the first time I have seen this and it always incensed me. There are ways for people to transition into work in another country without leaving their valuable experience behind. Yes, maybe there are some initial challenges and yes, unfortunately there is unwillingness to accept certain backgrounds/education as valid in the new country. However, there is usually a lack of understanding on how to obtain what they need and even after retraining in their field I have seen associations and unions fail to welcome the foreign worker.

I have had employers tell me that they wouldn’t hire immigrants because their customers wouldn’t like it. I have had employers assume clients were uneducated and didn’t understand English, due to their accent. When in fact these people had a higher education than most of the individuals they were in contact with.  With doctors working in farm fields, teachers cleaning homes and engineers working in the back of our restaurants we are really the ones with the problem, not them.

This woman, that I worked with, is a symbol to me of how the system fails to fully value the foreign workers who come to our country. When I spent the time to fully understand her background and honor it she looked up with tears in her eyes and a huge smile on her face and thanked me. What she had done before had relevancy and there were transferable skills that met the needs of the current opportunities she was exploring. On the last day of our time together she stood up from her chair and hugged me. There is no doubt in my mind that she walks a little taller knowing who she was and who she is was honored and marketable.

There is tremendous sacrifices made when one immigrates. My parents were immigrants and they made their way to Canada, gave up the citizenship and contributed well to this country. Many of the people I encounter, do the jobs you and I and our kids don’t want to do. It angers me when people treat them as if they are a burden. What makes a person a burden is when the system at large fails to prepare them for the requirements of living in their new country and then wipes half their life away to train them in something they don’t even have an interest in. Putting a roof over their head and food in their stomach motivates them to take the job/training advice but that doesn’t mean it was the right thing for us to do.

If you know someone in your community who is new to the area or country, take the time to get to know them. More often than not I have had some of the most interesting conversations and if English is their second language they are getting a chance to practice with you as normally they are afraid to try.  The world has opened up to me in ways only seen through the eyes of one who has lived it, if you worked in my field you would see; goals, dreams and holding on to who you are is just as important no matter where you came from.

In celebration of International Women’s Day, Women’s History Month and a famous birthday,  I couldn’t help but talk about my lunch with Ms. Gloria Steinem. A dream day explored with readers of TimeFinders Magazine.

Go to  TimeFinders and check out my column Worldly Women and while your there read great articles by fabulous writers. With such diverse voices, there is something for everyone!

Gloria’s Interview with Reuters

On March 25 Ms. Steinem turns 76. I guess that is a big deal as we like to attach an age to everyone; but ultimately 26 or 76 her voice is strong, her message remains clear and her vision is what made my life easier.

Hopefully, there will be other women who won’t get too settled with a sense of entitlement, that they forget any rights they have was not fought for by one half of the population.  (except for a few good men)  It took a whole lot of women to build this up, it took more like Ms. Steinem and others to keep it top of mind and it will take even more to keep rights, laws and political gains moving forward.

If you or your daughter doesn’t appreciate the role women like Ms. Steinem played in history maybe there needs to be some re-education.