A Complicated Life

Do you ever feel like your life is getting so complicated you want to pull the covers over your head and not come out of your room. I have days when I feel that way too lately and though I try to pace myself I think aspects of my life are just getting more complicated. I have been feeling like I’m being called in so many directions that my head is spinning.

I have taken on new work contracts where I’m trying to immerse myself in different cultures, expectations, departments and curriculum. It’s not a huge learning curve but there are a lot of people talking at me and I respect them enough to listen and learn.

My mother is not well and there is great concern that she is in grave danger but she refuses to see a doctor. Every day I check in to make sure she is OK or still with us. Late today after singing lessons, which I see as an indulgence in me time, my intuition told me to go visit her. It was a good thing I did.

Then there is the projects that are going on around our home in an effort to prepare it for sale. We are not sure that will we move but we are actively researching options and looking at houses in other communities.

I’m attending a workshop this weekend and beginning coursework for another program which has to be completed by the beginning of July. Amongst all of this is the normal responsibilities associated with life.

I feel guilty when I don’t blog for a while. Silly, isn’t it? It’s not like this is the big time but I know you are out there. I see my stats and so I feel that one way or another I should make sure to write. I often secretly chastise myself for not writing more career related posts but to be honest I feel my industry has very little new to say. So, when I do write it comes from a place of authenticity which again takes energy.

As time passes I’m not sure I have the energy to keep up with demands of home, work, relationships and family. You know what I mean? I’m sure you do. It used to be that I would thrive on a having a full day of stuff to do but now I would love one full day of nothing to do. If I get an hour of nothingness I’m elated!

Some days I’m afraid to answer my phone or open an email. Somebody is bound to want something from me and I’m not sure I have any more to give. With my Mum I feel I have become the parent, with my sister’s I feel like I have become the person who “handles stuff”, with my house I feel like the project manager and there are of course many more roles to play.

It’s someone else’s fault. I doubt that it is. I am notorious for pushing past pain and discomfort to obtain something for me or someone else. There should be no judgement positively or negatively on that, it just is. I have long worked with women and counseled them on the need for some balance, honoring self and all those great things but I’m not living the talk.

I and maybe most women have a hard time believing that people will be OK without us. We can feel a compulsion to solve every problem or manage every project. It’s not healthy but we will likely only find that out after some hardcore self-reflection or the universe will do it for us.

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2 Responses to A Complicated Life

  1. Jennifer, that is one of the most honest blog posts I’ve ever read. Your situation is so compelling and also so recognizable. It hits home and I’m sure it does for most women/people reading. Yes, we are out here reading and cheering you on too. Often the writing of it makes it easier to bear, slightly, and I hope you find some peacefulness and balance soon. And I wish your mom well. Unfortunately it’s something many of us have faced or will face with our parents at some point and we’re never fully prepared. Thank you for sharing with us your real world right now. Sending you love and light,

    Lise

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