Archive for the ‘Career Consulting’ Category

In the context of my work as a Career Development Practitioner it can often be hard to describe the different approaches I employ to support individuals. (Hence, why I don’t spend a lot of time blogging about it.) Depending on the needs of my clients or students, my role changes slightly to accommodate. Sometimes, I can find myself and my client floating somewhere between interventions and knowing that, I take a momentary step back to reevaluate our position and goals.

There is coaching, counselling, consulting and advising; to name a few. Each have their merits and serve to aid in the process of getting us from point A to B and so on.  If there is one thing that comes up often, when I first begin to work with anyone, it is establishing the differences between coaching and counselling.

So, I thought I would just do a quick and easy look at the differences between styles of working together as it pertains to career support services:

Coaching is like a safety net – If you are going through a transition but need some redefining or refining of your skills, values and/or interest, this style may be of help. It is quite goal oriented and doesn’t delve too much  into the feelings/emotional aspects that may be a barrier to your success. What you get is the support and brain storming that is often helpful to move forward in attaining your goal.

Counselling has a more holistic approach – If there are behaviours, past and present influences, beliefs, negative self talk, skill development, interests and values clarification, professional or personal reasons that hinder progress, this may be the style for you. It is intended to bring forth meaningful discussions necessary for personal growth. In turn, it allows for professional advancement, promotes positive movement, healthy decision making and goal setting. There is great care, ethics and safety used with counselling and it is incumbent on your practitioner to know when discussions have reached an area outside of their expertise. From that a referral would be made.

Consulting provides feedback and strategies – If you feel reasonably in control but need some assistance that allows you to accept or reject suggestions, this may be a fit. Consulting could be something that you tap into occasionally as a check in, but your level of confidence in your skills, education and abilities may be quite intact.

Advising (or Guiding) is really about monitoring your actions – If you don’t want someone to act on your behalf but instead encourage your independence; provide resources and advice to support that self- reliance, this may be just what you need.

No matter what the role I find myself in it is extremely rewarding. I have often said I am humbled and honored to be a part of my clients and students development. We all need someone to turn to and certainly understand what it means to be stuck. Sometimes we are far too close to the situation or unable to get out of the way of ourselves in order to make the next so called “logical” step.

Make sure you ask questions about the practitioners style and philosophy because how they work with you is deeply important. It is your time, money and energy that is being expended and that needs to be respected. Hopefully, after this quick post on the types of assistance that is available you can feel empowered to determine what your next step may be and who, if anyone, will help in that process.

Does the idea of owning your own business, working according to your core values, defining success on your own terms and affecting positive change interest you? Many women have taken steps in their life to do all of that and more but how they accomplish it has changed over the years.

Women entrepreneurs don’t even need a store front to make their professional dreams a reality. This virtual world has expanded rapidly, opening doors for women to develop a business that is unrestricted by international borders. Using the internet and leveraging the power of social media, women around the globe build relationships that strengthen their business and personal aspirations. One of those women is Jill Crossland.

Jill is a life and business coach who started in 2004, what was then, TimeFinders Coaching. Ever the forward thinker, as her company grew so did her recognition of the trend toward self branding. In 2008 she divided her company into Jill Crossland Coaching and TimeFinders Magazine.

She has just launched Create Your Team which brings together a team of professional women with specialized expertise. As one of those team members, I wanted to celebrate with Jill the launch of this site and through the following interview share with readers, one woman’s vision. It is my hope that if you are thinking about becoming an entrepreneur or want to use your expertise in unique way Jill’s story will help you move forward.

From inception to present day Jill gives insight into how a business can evolve, the importance of paying attention to the needs of clients, the wisdom to know you don’t need to do it all on your own and her own struggles with balance. Jill is also looking for women to lend their expertise; maybe through this interview the circle of relationship building will grow.

Take us back to the beginning – At what point did you decide to start what is now Jill B. Crossland Coaching?

It was more of an evolution. Most coaching sites were rather dry and it perturbed me that once you hung up from a client session they possibly didn’t have anything else to fall back on in the way of resources, information and support.  I wanted to provide them with more depth.

When I started it was more for midlife women because I had gone into coaching as a midlife woman and had some difficulty finding the information I needed in order to take that step. So, I thought a lot of other midlife women probably feel the same.

How has your vision for the business changed over the years?

As my demographic became clearer I was able to identify my market and it grew from there. Then it emerged that I was dealing with a larger age group. They were entrepreneurs either starting their business or mid point in their business development.

You have just launched a fresh site called Create Your Team Resources for the Busy Woman. What was your goal for the site?

I wanted it be very efficient, it is about creating a support system, realizing that we can’t all do it alone. When we have made the decision that we can’t do it alone, I want the site to be the place for services, help and support.

How do I find the right website? What is the right social media? How do I find the right babysitter for me to bring on to my team so that I accomplish what I need to with my business?

I thought if I could bring these people together in one area that would be my aim. It’s in its infancy but the goal is that all the resources would be on the Create Your Team site and it would be safe. A safe area to go forth with your team members. This is about women supporting women.

What do feel are the unique needs of women that would drive them to seek out the services offered through Create Your Team?

When I first became a coach everything was about packages, it was sold in big chunks. If you wanted to hire a coach you had to commit to this amount of time and this amount of money, it was the only way you could obtain success.  It was quite overwhelming.

In both my coaching and Create Your Team it is a realization that you don’t have to have full time help. If you have a housekeeper come in once a week that may work just fine; to give you enough time to accomplish what you need to in those hours. If you talk to your coach every month or every two months that may be what you require. The uniqueness is in the realization that it doesn’t have to be a huge chunk of time or money.

You can control who you hire and when you hire them. You can control what you spend; you don’t have to be intimidated into putting out large amounts of money. Women realize they would love to have a housekeeper, or web designer on call 24/7 but they can’t.  They may work out that they can afford it four times a month or once a month.

Isn’t this about flexibility?

Yes.  I know women who say to their accountant “I can do this part but I need you to do this part, I need you at this time of year for my year end.”  Years ago we weren’t saying the words “This is what I need from you” and “This is what I can afford to pay you.” That is very freeing. It enables women to grow their business; instead of sinking all their money into an accountant they can hire a web designer too, they can balance it out.

You have expanded your team of professionals to meet the needs of women and you intend to add even more professional women to provide their expertise. What are you looking for in future team members?

We are looking for financial advisers. I’d like to see life coaches, relationship coaches and business coaches who specialize in start up. We are not only looking for virtual businesses but those that have a physical store front presence. Housekeepers and dog walkers are also needed. For example: if you have a week where you can’t walk your dog this service is helpful. If a very entrepreneurial dog walking service wants to advertise I think they would do well on our site. For the busy woman who is tied up in meetings, she can give them a call.

We are not doing products, it is all service based. Create Your Team wants people who specialize in transitions, elder care, divorce, professional organizers, and time management experts.

Every woman’s needs are different. Create Your Team is the one place she can come to find both the coach and all her other needs in one area.

You have your coaching business, TimeFinders Magazine, the Life Deco Blog and the newly launched Create Your Team website…How do you balance your time?

I keep a very rigorous schedule even though like most of you I work from a home office. I keep a very tight schedule as if I’m walking into a corporation every morning.  I’m in the process of learning that when I don’t balance everything, something has to change. Like all women I have those weeks when it just doesn’t pull together and I just let go without guilt or stress.

I have my priorities – it is clients, website, my writing. Clients always come first. At the beginning of the day I start with their needs, and then I make sure the websites are where they should be and then last is my writing. We must always give the priority to our clients.

What have you learned about yourself in the process of building up the business?

I’ve learnt what I’m good at and I’m no longer hesitant in saying “I’m very good at this” or “I’m not very good that and I need someone else to do it.” I have stopped trying to do it all. I’m very happy to turn areas of my business over to the experts in their field.

The hardest thing I’ve learned is sometimes I have to let go of something I’ve enjoyed because there is just not enough time in my day. I’ve had to cut back on a lot my writing. I don’t put articles out as much as I’d like to because I can’t find the time, I miss that.

How are you going to define success?

My success falls in three different criteria; it is not a one stop success. In my coaching practice, to be honest, it comes from a certain number of clients and an income that is steady.  For the magazine, success will come when it is more self- sufficient as I haven’t sold advertising. The success will be advertising and recruiting more writers. I’m still on the cusp, I’m not offering as much as I would like to my readers.

Create Your Team success will be when we have that full range of services to offer. When I feel we have a good selection across the board and emails coming in that say, “Thanks, this helped.” It is nice to know you made a difference. Women have to give feedback really it’s the only way to grow our business.  It is the only way to know, “Is this working” What went wrong or what went really right. Constructive criticism is a wonderful thing.

Is there anything else you would want readers to know?

You asked me earlier what I learnt and I think I would like readers to know they need to embrace their uniqueness. I am unique, you are unique, and the readers of your piece are all unique. You are sitting comfortably in that uniqueness when you recognize your own needs.

It is all very well that we go to workshops, listen to our friends and read self help books. At the end of the day, at 3 o’clock in the morning, it is you that’s lying there worried or wanting to make the right decision, facing uncertainty and that is the unique position. Every woman needs to recognize what their needs are. They are not the same needs as that speaker they just went to see, as remarkable as she may have been, take from her what you need but then make it your own.

Life is not one size fits all. Take advice but take it and make it your own.

While Jill is the person behind the inception of your Create Your Team and will remain behind the scenes as it grows; it took a team to Create a Team. Alanna Morley designed both the website and Mean Business blog. She will also be the CYT manager. IT consultant Terri Pepin keeps the site running efficiently.   Women helping women is ever apparent as Jill Crossland Coaching and Create Your Team grows.

Many thanks to Jill for taking the time for this interview and for inspiring me in so many ways to grow as a business woman.

I’m continuing my quest to convince Candice Olson to come to the west coast!

As I take my lunch break in my office I have turned on Divine Design,  this is an hour of Candice and I’m glad I took this time to eat my soup and sandwich. 

Readers know from a previous post entitled Candice Olson Divine Designer that I am a HUGE fan of this woman’s work. Right now I’m revisiting the episode where the Big Easy New Orleans style was incorporated into a couples kitchen and to see their reaction was amazing! Next we have a woman from South Africa that wants a space to be creative; a mother who wanted a room of her own. That need for an inspirational space is something I’m certain many of us can relate to and the way this was executed was nothing short of brilliant!

The problem with my obsession is like most home and garden talent featured on TV, few if any of the experts work or reside in Vancouver, BC. Sending letters probably won’t yield much chance of a visit from your favorite designer if you live on the other side of the country. That is not stopping me from trying to figure out how I can convince Candice to make a trip to my house.

I bought the Candice Olson on design book soon after it arrived in the stores. I loved the introduction which began with LIFE IS FUNNY! This is where she shared her own life/education/career transitions. She went from the sciences; psychology, biology, kinesiology, and chemistry to the arts. A four year degree in interior design has proved to be a very wise career choice. The combination of arts and science plus apparently a love of volleyball, which taught the value of teamwork, contributed to the making of a successful business. She claimed in her book “I don’t take myself too seriously” but there is no doubt that she does some seriously great designs! An interesting and fun woman.

There are few people who can make a book about home design into a life inspiring piece. Whether on the pages or the screen her personality and philosophies shine through. I may never meet this woman but what I can take away from watching her is be passionate about what you do, be realistic, surround yourself with talented and caring people both personally and professionally and have fun!

Hey Candice – Wishing you were here!

Last month I assisted with a Job Fair. For those who may be unfamiliar with job fairs it is a sponsored event that brings together both employers and job seekers for the day. Invited employers set up their booths to provide information about their business and speak directly with participants. Participants may have the opportunity to fill out applications for employment, provide and discuss their resume, become informed about the business/industry or obtain a future contact. This kind of networking can be very advantageous; providing you make a positive first impression.

As co-sponsors of this event it allowed us to work with a small group of participants from our local employment programs, prior to doors opening. We gave some last minute tips on approach and how to answer questions. Later, we got the opportunity to observe from our booth as people made their way around the room. As it was open to the public to take advantage of this opportunity, I was astounded to see just how unprofessional 80% (if not more) of the people were dressed. Jeans, running shoes, flip flops all parading in the doors. Shirts that had clearly never seen an iron and one woman who showed so much cleavage I’m not sure anyone was really listening to a word she was saying.

Mini skirts, young women with low waist pants advertising the “pre-crack stamp” as they bent over to fill in the applications. Young men who still insist that a belt is best worn around the thighs. You can’t help but watch to see if the jeans can hold on any longer or whether we are going to have scream “Bombs Away!”

To accompany the bad fashion was the blah faces; most seemingly forgetting to amp it up a notch. We observed several actually texting or taking a call right in the middle of their discussions with employers. It is clear many were uninformed about the importance of personal appearance, etiquette and body language when job hunting and interviewing.

When a person came in the room with their case of prepared materials, wearing a suit or any type of real business attire, you couldn’t help but notice. They were the minority and employers eyes (and ours) went directly to them. Given there were some high profile businesses in the public, private and not for profit sectors, whom you rarely get to see unless called for an interview, it was quite an eye opener for us. As career consultants we speak about the do’s and don’t’s of fashion when applying for jobs but who knew this many people outside of our programs didn’t get the message.

What do you wear and where do you find those clothes?

* Women: Wear properly fitting dress pants and business shirt. Skirts and blouses are preferred by some companies, business suits are also acceptable in most settings. It is important to feel comfortable in your outfit and shoes. Since you may be sitting down to talk, try seeing how that looks and feels.

* Men: Wear properly fitting pants, shirt (tie may be optional in some settings). Depending on the target job you may wear a suit and tie.

* Business casual is often accepted but casual doesn’t mean what you would wear out to the store…lean more to business.

* Bring a folder, briefcase/carrier for extra resumes, references, certifications, your own pen, business or calling cards and anything else you feel is relevant for these employers to see.

* Sometimes both men and women may be attending a fair that is heavily trades based. If jeans are what you are going to wear then at least pick ones that are clean and fit! No T-shirt, no ball caps or ratty weather beaten sport jackets.

It is not hard to find clothing for work, thrift stores and consignment stores are full of great deals. One pair of black pants or a skirt can be a great investment; worn with multiple different shirts or blouses it’s completely interchangeable.

Dress for success offers eligible women entering or re-entering the workforce their first business suit and additional apparel after securing a job. Dress for success has multiple affiliates worldwide.  Career Gear for men also provides help with interview clothing in addition to interview preparation services with affiliates in major cities across the US.  SYMS Dress to Achieve very informative site intended to help college seniors put their best shoes forward but certainly transferable to all job seekers and interviewees.

It is essential that job seekers see the value in going just that little bit further in their research of prospective companies, including how to dress. We market ourselves on paper and we market ourselves in person, whether we like it or not our appearance counts. An opportunity to meet employers in a job fair setting is rare, take advantage of that and help them remember you! Stand out from the crowd for the right reasons!

Once on the job you get to fully see the culture and dress code but until then leave the jeans and flip flops in the closet.

Some time ago, I worked with a woman who was having difficulty finding employment. Though she had been in Canada for a number of years the work she had been doing here did not remotely resemble the skills she used in her former country. Her resume had been completed with the help of a school she attended for retraining but she didn’t seem proud of this one page resume staring back at her. When I began to ask some questions about certain information buried in it I learned half her life had vanished.

As we began to chat about her life experience I couldn’t help but ask “Why is this not on your resume.” She replied, “Well, they didn’t think it was necessary,  they told me to focus on my Canadian experience.”  (which was not relevant to the positions she was about to apply) Now, I don’t know about you but I don’t think I would feel very good nor confident with half my life missing from the page of my resume. You could clearly see how proud she was of her previous work and indeed she should be. This woman was educated, held a good professional position and demonstrated leadership in the positions she held. Somehow, this was not translatable in North America?

This is not the first time I have seen this and it always incensed me. There are ways for people to transition into work in another country without leaving their valuable experience behind. Yes, maybe there are some initial challenges and yes, unfortunately there is unwillingness to accept certain backgrounds/education as valid in the new country. However, there is usually a lack of understanding on how to obtain what they need and even after retraining in their field I have seen associations and unions fail to welcome the foreign worker.

I have had employers tell me that they wouldn’t hire immigrants because their customers wouldn’t like it. I have had employers assume clients were uneducated and didn’t understand English, due to their accent. When in fact these people had a higher education than most of the individuals they were in contact with.  With doctors working in farm fields, teachers cleaning homes and engineers working in the back of our restaurants we are really the ones with the problem, not them.

This woman, that I worked with, is a symbol to me of how the system fails to fully value the foreign workers who come to our country. When I spent the time to fully understand her background and honor it she looked up with tears in her eyes and a huge smile on her face and thanked me. What she had done before had relevancy and there were transferable skills that met the needs of the current opportunities she was exploring. On the last day of our time together she stood up from her chair and hugged me. There is no doubt in my mind that she walks a little taller knowing who she was and who she is was honored and marketable.

There is tremendous sacrifices made when one immigrates. My parents were immigrants and they made their way to Canada, gave up the citizenship and contributed well to this country. Many of the people I encounter, do the jobs you and I and our kids don’t want to do. It angers me when people treat them as if they are a burden. What makes a person a burden is when the system at large fails to prepare them for the requirements of living in their new country and then wipes half their life away to train them in something they don’t even have an interest in. Putting a roof over their head and food in their stomach motivates them to take the job/training advice but that doesn’t mean it was the right thing for us to do.

If you know someone in your community who is new to the area or country, take the time to get to know them. More often than not I have had some of the most interesting conversations and if English is their second language they are getting a chance to practice with you as normally they are afraid to try.  The world has opened up to me in ways only seen through the eyes of one who has lived it, if you worked in my field you would see; goals, dreams and holding on to who you are is just as important no matter where you came from.

What was your first job and what did it teach you?

The first job we have is such a profound marker in life, a coming of age moment. The cutting of the chord, as it were, from our parents and a real indicator life is about to be very different. I have had many conversations with people about their first job and by virtue of being a career counselor/coach I have also been present at an individuals first leap into the world of work. What always intrigues me is how we get started and how we progress from those humble beginnings.

My first job was in retail. Working for one of the largest and most popular jean company Bootlegger. It was initially a challenge for me as I wasn’t always comfortable with pressure sales and up-selling; it felt a little like I was pushing the limits of trust between customer and clerk. What got me past my reservations was the all important first pay cheque, in addition to keeping a roof over my head and food in my stomach. Fresh out of high school and now independent it became an essential quality to look at the bigger picture as there was nobody else to blame if I failed to pay my rent.  I quickly learned that money wasn’t everything, there was more to a job and paycheque than meets the eye.

Many very famous people had some less than glamorous jobs but important starts. Gwen Stefani from the group No Doubt worked at Dairy Queen cleaning the floors. Kirstie Alley known for her role on the hit television show Cheers was a housekeeper; in an interview with Oprah she shared her knowledge of the best ways to clean a home. Barbara Walters was a secretary in an office before she began her career in journalism. Queen Latifah who has made her mark as a singer and actor worked at Burger King. Suze Orman the financial guru worked as a waitress. In fact, there were many cooks, waitresses, retail clerks and secretaries. Maya Angelou the brilliant poet and writer started out similarly but one interesting note was the distinction of being the first black female streetcar conductor in San Francisco.

What did my first job teach me? I certainly understood more about my values and developed skills I previously didn’t know I had. I used the word trust earlier when describing my interaction with customers, but really it was the importance of placing myself in other peoples’ shoes. Whether somebody came to me to get an honest opinion on buying an item or for advice the lesson I concluded was to be authentic. Fake just doesn’t cut it. I also now empathize with those that serve others as I know what it’s like being behind the counter.

Here are some other important things learned:

1.Strong work ethic: by working hard, pushing through challenge, putting in the time and showing willingness to learn, many doors can open.

2.Validation: I liked Kirstie speaking about being validated for her contribution as the housekeeper. She was able to take pride in her work and know that it was important and the skills obtained would be used many times in life. She shared “It gave me a vision for my own home.”

3. Making average great: Suze Orman profoundly remarked about how being a waitress helped her discover happiness. She stated “I learned that when you make average great, your dreams can become a reality.”

4. Perspective:  The first job can give you perspective. Life up to that point has been fairly structured and blinders were firmly attached. The first job opens us up the opportunity to find deeper meaning and understanding about self and others.

5. The Journey: None of the famous people noted or anyone I know had instantaneous success. Contrary to popular belief we don’t get to become CEO overnight. Starting at the bottom and working our way up has a lot of benefits. Maybe the pocket book is lighter but the experience and exposure to what and who can make a big difference is the long term gain.

6. Mentors Matter: Mentors are truly the unsung hero’s in our career development. The biggest impact on our professional lives whether youth or adult can often be found in a person who took the time to see the potential.

7. Money isn’t everything: Though there are famous women and men who have enjoyed huge success and now live life comfortably financially, it wasn’t the pursuit of the next dollar that got them there. Finding the joy, listening to the right people, setting goals and working hard brings us closer to the life we want.

Here’s something else from the book of Jennifer

- Nobody owes us nothing but if we trace backward we may find we owe someone something. It is usually gratitude for their wisdom, patience and willingness to take a chance on us. With naivety firmly intact we begin the career path. It doesn’t matter whether you are selling jeans, flipping burgers, wearing work boots or a hair net there is learning in everything we do. Nothing is beneath us except solid ground in which to start building upon.

What did your first job teach you?

Some time ago I was teaching a class when it occurred to me that those preparing for employment and those currently employed share a common need. The need for self care. It doesn’t matter how much money you make or your education if you are not taking care of yourself, your health can easily be compromised.

It is common for us to focus outward and neglect the signs that our work life is taking over. The assumption is that if we push hard enough we will get where we need to go faster. It will get easier from there and we can rest later.

The push can be for financial reasons, in that there is self/family to support, increased debt or lavish lifestyle to fund. It can also be forced upon us if the expectation of our position means a twelve hour day shows dedication, anything less shows weakness. Still for others the drive may be self inflicted, a feeling that they are not good enough and in order to be noticed they must go the extra distance, even if it kills them.

There are other reasons for us to focus outward but what I would like to explore is a holistic approach to work. I have compiled three main areas of focus for you to consider:

Feed the Body – Proper diet is essential. Prior to re-entering the workforce try to get yourself on a similar schedule to a work day. Give yourself the gift of a diet that will help sustain you from hour to hour. Often, people in my class brought coffee, pop and treats for their breaks; that doesn’t nurture the body and is very unpractical considering the time and requirements associated with a workshop. Appropriate exercise. Get in an routine with an activity that stimulates you, it gets the blood flowing. Walking is great for that and can be easily adapted for pre and post work. Rest when needed. If you have any health concerns in which a full day can be difficult, try to find even fifteen minutes to rest. Many times I have gone to my car in lunch breaks, ate my lunch and rested my eyes before returning to work. Use your office or find a quiet space to meditate it can make a huge difference.

Feed the Mind – Learning and developing ideas. Keeping the mind active is essential, whether currently employed or not. Taking an extended brain break while off work can make returning to work ten times harder. It is exhausting to learn a new job and especially so if you have not continued in some way to keep the brain stimulated. Equally, if you are on the job, it is not uncommon to fall in a rut. You may question the point in learning anything new as you’re employed, so why bother? That is a mistake, it is the prime time to educated yourself further and develop ideas that keep the job or job prospects interesting. A strong word of advice – upgrading while you are on the job is far better than waiting till you are unemployed,stressed and desperate for work. Keeping yourself current is a line a defense against extended unemployment.

Feed the Soul – Find the passion. Being passionate about what you do goes a long way. There are plenty of studies to suggest that when you enjoy what you do, money, contacts and opportunity comes to you. It is not to say that sometimes we must do things that we are less than passionate about in order to pay the bills. There are times in our life when that is necessary and not beneath us. There is no shame in that, it is called survival. However, embracing passion instead of chasing the dollar, can make success taste that much sweeter. Chasing the dollar feels good only on a superficial level, passion is deep and many doors open as the passion exudes from you. Just watch what happens when someone talks about something they love, facial expressions and hand gestures are more noticeable, they light up. Their speech is more confident and the knowledge pours forth effortlessly. That is what is captured in the passion, confidence, an inner knowing “this is right for me.”

The holistic approach to working makes sense no matter who you are. No matter your age, location or employment status. Tap into these things and you will see differences in your perception of self and work.

If you need further clarification on incorporating this into your life or other career coaching services, please feel free to contact me.

“Please excuse me I have somewhere else I would rather be.”

OK, I wouldn’t really say it like that but I have thought it many times in certain social settings. I don’t know if it is my age or my increased need to honor my self and my time but it is getting easier to walk away from being in the wrong place with the wrong people. We all have been in a room and experienced difficulty with a personality that turns what is a respectful, inclusive conversation or meaningful/fun experience into an excluding, bad taste, ego centric show.

I often find myself in that moment checking in with my reaction, trying to center and recognizing that this person is bringing up feelings in me I may need to explore.  I may need to look deeper as to how I can better handle situations like this. But not right now!

Right now, I sit politely listening to a bunch of inappropriate jokes or life/relationship analysis; a laugh that comes first from their own mouth, followed by others who either agree or feel compelled to participate. I sit there and think…Who are you? I look around to see if anyone else appears to be asking the same question or is adjusting their body language to compensate for their real feelings about this person being in their space. In my estimation, some individuals believe it is there place to liven things up but usually are not good at assessing the crowd. I always wonder what makes them think it was needing their touch, humour or antics to begin with.

It is the lack of civility, respect for all individuals and manners (especially in the company of women), that bothers me most. Some of the worst examples of human behaviour are used to signify a persons arrival in the group, propped up by a large ego and a loud mouth. (They are either really comfortable with their own behaviour or are compensating for some issues that are unbeknownst to the rest of us.)

I used to go through my life just joining in, feeling compelled to be in with the crowd but I became closer to myself over these years, formed a relationship and understanding that is working well. I became less interested in fitting in and more interested in living in my truth. There are some things that are just not funny to me or don’t interest me… and that is OK.

In assessing my own physical and psychological reactions to such people or circumstances I have learned a lot. My reactions are slowly changing; a slow process as sometimes I feel as though I may have to bite my tongue, literally. Feeling comfortable not to engage is welcomed, and then the subsequent letting go of all emotions associated with the experience or person. It is extremely liberating to realize that we all have reasons for the way we act in any given circumstance but that we also have the power to simply walk away.

Trust me when I say, I am under construction in this department, many people coming to test my foundation. How I respond is an opportunity to learn. I can do without certain people in my life, more selective I guess. I don’t know what works for the rest of you but I know where I am heading.

So, if you go down a road I’m not willing to go, “Please excuse me, I have somewhere else I would rather be.

(This post was reflecting many social settings in the past and was not fully representing any one situation or person)

Jack Welch the former General Electric Co. Chief made some comments at the Society for Human Resource Management conference that hit the proverbial fan. It seems the interpretation of his speech looked very much like a man who was nonsupporting of women who require time to raise a family. He is not one to believe in the concept of work/life balance. “There are work/life choices and you make them, and they have consequences.” Well, that sounds ominous.

Further to that, was the claim that a person who wants to take the time out for family will be be passed over for promotion if “you’re not there in the clutch.” I’ll save that one for another time, but as for work/life balance and choices here is where I want to go with this:

After all these years of working with individuals in career development/planning, I have yet to have one man come in and ask me how to balance his life and career.Truly, not one.

It may be because it was a little easier in some professions to climb to a level that afforded them more balance personally and financially.  As for having a family, they don’t have nine months of pregnancy to contend with; physically growing larger by the week, more tired by the day while still maintaining their employment and work responsibilities. Interruption in their career after baby is born is shorter and therefore doesn’t impact them greatly. It could also be that the division of labour in the home is still not equal and that children seem to require more of Mom’s attention than Dad’s.

So, by virtue of just these examples alone I would think the scale itself would not look balanced to begin with, so why ask? It may also be that it is all just water off a ducks back and trying to obtain balance is something men don’t feel the need to attain. Life is life.

In measuring anything on a scale we may see balance and we are happy with that for how ever long it last. It gives us a temporary sense of accomplishment. Then the scale may tip one way or the other as we attempt to add more things to one side. Balance is hard to maintain in a life that is not stagnant, but it is possible to balance more often than not.  That is why I will grant Mr. Welch one thing… we do have work/life choices and those are the things that get our scales unbalanced if not properly assessed prior to decision making.

Here is my observation from watching people all around me, listening in on conversations, reading the blogs and counselling the professional/working Mom.

Most of the time I see women doing far more than they need to be doing. They have made a “choice” to do for their children and their partners what each could do for themselves. Instead of dividing the workloads many women appear to feel they are superior; their children/partners are incapable of contributing properly. Consequently, the family’s ability to take on more responsibility or even think for themselves is lost. Many useful skills simply never get developed or vanish. These women have created the position of NEED, on top of all the hats worn they want also to be “needed.”

“I don’t know what they would do without me.” If a woman can not balance her life, transition within or even expand on her career in the way that she had intended, most of the time I can trace it back to impulsive decision making and/or to lack of delegation. If women today are less happy than they were in previous generations as some study suggested, it isn’t feminism that killed that (which was one of the suggested culprits) it is because they have not stepped up to the plate and claimed their life, career and time properly. Also, generation past… may have ill-prepared this generation to think, do and delegate. (Just an observation, not a scientific fact) 

Balance comes when the scale is evenly weighted – not perfect, it will move from time to time but the expectation is that others will help in the process. Here is food for thought: Children are not invalids! Less tech time and more understanding of home maintenance will help with work/life balance. Make the connection that a grown man who is perfectly capable at work to balance his appointments, meet deadlines, communicate and clean up his work space is able to do the same when he comes home.

At the end of the day it does come down to choices. There are consequences, but we make the scale tip negatively or positively. The career woman shouldn’t need to be afraid of her choices, let the Jack Welch’s of the world fade to black and have larger expectations for those around you professionally and personally. As a wise colleague of mine Sheila Radha Conrad pointed out “Empowerment comes from within”….use it! All the answers to what will balance your life, enhance your career and benefit your family can be found if you look inward.

It is often hard to give ourselves permission to stop and truly take care of self.

Lately, I have been pulling out many hats and switching them several times throughout the day.  There are moments of clarity where I talk to my self and say, “What the heck are you doing, Jennifer?” The answer comes back, “stop and have lunch, drink water, breathe, damn it breathe.” Still I proceed unsympathetic to its pleas, after all there is a list of things to do and a timeline in which to do it.

There are also roles; that are defined very early on in relationships with family, friends and significant others. Each person, for the most part, is busy too and therefore has difficulty noticing if we are burning the candle at both ends. There is a person who might pipe and say, “Why don’t you just not do that?” OK, I could put it aside but the odd thing is, the darn thing will be waiting for me tomorrow or next week when I’m equally busy, so how does that help? What’s even odder is that thing you put off, waits until you’re just about to drop off to sleep and then creeps into your head and says in a whispering voice, “Don’t forget…. tomorrow” And I’m awake again.

So, today I took time out at the spa. “Ahhhh.” It was there in the low lights, relaxing music and with the gentle hands of Leanne providing me with a well needed facial, I had a moment. Here I am imparting the wisdom of women balancing their life and careers and I’m not taking my own advice. Asking women to take time out for self and sharing how those around you will benefit from your self care and here I was forgetting to even take a proper breath.

This time at the spa was a luxury I do not afford myself often. Financially it is not always feasible, sometimes I feel guilty for loving it so much and as you can see I don’t allow time. It is my choice to wear all those hats and sometimes a hat is donated and worn to alleviate someone else. Either way, saying “No” is a word that is hard to say, even for me.

So, this counsellor needs to take her own advice more often and the advice of those loving people who observe the flames as I streak by them on my way to the next project.

Taking care of self should not be the gift you give yourself, but the norm. I have to say, I will need to explore this further, reach deep and overcome. In the meantime, I will start small, reduce the current array of hats and know that “Delegation” and saying “NO”, are not dirty words. My face is clean and so to is my conscience for taking an hour + for self.