Archive for the ‘Self-Esteem’ Category

If you find yourself doing a lot of things for other people, you are not alone. Women are often conditioned to look after other people, to be attuned to other’s needs and most often at the expense of their own. However, that need to rescue, please, fix or support isn’t always in the best interest of everyone involved.

You have probably experienced a situation where someone is trying to do an activity, slowly, methodically or even incorrectly from your perspective and your first instinct is to step in and do it yourself. Maybe, you recognized something needs to be said and you want to tell a person just how you feel or what you think but, you resist because you don’t believe they are strong enough to hear it. Sometimes you may even feel that your feelings are not valid or your time precious in comparison to others. So, off you go saying “Yes” without ever considering the dynamic you have just set up for yourself and your relationship with the other person or persons. Rescuer’s are in each of those examples.

Some rescuer’s can feel a sense of superiority to the person they are attempting to rescue. Have you ever heard yourself saying, “They need me, without my help where would they be?” It is not uncommon for that to spiral into resentment or persecution of others when you don’t feel your efforts were appreciated. Through your need to be needed, family members, colleagues at work or community acquaintances learn to be dependent on your pattern of assistance.

Whatever the scenario, it is helpful to ask yourself:

What roles do I take on?

Why do I believe it is my responsibility to rescue others?

Is there a difference in the the people I tend to rescue? (Age? Gender? Demonstrating bias towards or against individuals)

What do I gain?

Exploring your motivation for being a rescuer is an important piece in the goal to letting go. Often when you come to understand Who? What? and Why? you also learn that rescuing is more to serve yourself rather than others. Even if your intention is to be helpful, it may not be the healthiest approach. People can feel like they are not capable or worthy if you keep stepping in. They don’t learn new skills such as communication or assertiveness. There is an isolation that can occur especially if they see others working on similar problems successfully using their own hands or critical thinking. Even feelings of anger can emerge because of lack of control and powerlessness. Learned helplessness is not what you want to pass along.

If you want to break the need to rescue, try the following:

1. Encourage others to do things for themselves. Give information and show them possibilities; let them go from there. Provide positive reinforcement.

2. Believe in others’ abilities to learn and help themselves. Don’t make assumptions that they can’t do either.

3. Do no more than 50% of the work in any relationship. We teach people how to treat us; believe that you deserve as much respect and equal treatment as they do.

4. Drop the superiority complex. Your way is not the right way or the only way. People will survive without you and must be allowed to experience life lessons.

5. Set boundaries. When you set boundaries for your time and relationships you are far less likely to fall into the rescue trap.

Break the need to rise to the rescue position. Instead, step outside of that role and into an equal relationship with everyone you meet. I guarantee many people will benefit from the new you.

March is Women’s History Month in the U.S.A, Australia and UK. Canada celebrates women’s history in October. The key thing for me is not when it is recognized but that it is recognized at all. My goal is to share with you why this history matters.

I don’t know how many conversations I have had in which my enthusiasm for telling stories of women’s history results in people’s realization of just how little they know on the topic. More questions come forward to which I try to respond and for the women in the room, especially, I see them go from interest, to pride and then to frustration. The frustration comes from a greater awareness that all this history isn’t common knowledge; a sense of being cheated. Invariably, the conversation progresses to how many males in history we know versus women.

To me, it has to go beyond the conversation of women missing from the history books and instead go to, how are we going to ensure that the legacy and accomplishments of those past and present don’t continue to get swept into a quiet dusty corner of the library or book store? In fact, for a moment I want you to consider when you last stepped foot into a book store or library. Could you easily find the books on women’s history? I know that if you found it at all, the section would be very small. Despite the extent to which women have participated in the advancement of this world there is still not enough emphasis on writing, presenting or educating the public on their contributions.

Why should you care? Why should we care about learning any history? Simply put, it opens our minds in a way that very few things can. It gives us both the pain and the pleasure, the dream and the journey, the learning that comes from intelligent ideas through to tangible mistakes. History gives us blueprints for the future and commands us to recognize sacrifice in the pursuit of goals. Through history we a drawn into a play of characters and circumstances that help us identify so many attributes within our ourselves. Sometimes there are stories we hold in high regard and other times there are things we wished were not a part of our human experience. We gain our pride and self esteem when we can look at an individual (or individuals) in history who embody the characteristics we want to cultivate or may possess.

When women get left out of the history lessons in our schools, books and media, then we essentially only learn a fraction of what has happened, is happening or could happen. It is an inaccurate accounting of events and by that omission we are not only obtaining misleading information but have created a false representation of women’s roles in society. This distorted interpretation fuels the lack of communication and respect that can exist between girls and boys, women and men. It is difficult to have a fair discussion on the relevance and contributions of women when everything thus far has been taken out of context.

Self esteem and dreams are built often by the seed of one comment or influential encounter. It is a piece of knowledge from or about a woman who broke barriers, changed the course of history, patented a product, invented a cure, contributed through military service, traversed the globe, built a business empire, fought for rights or died for her beliefs. All of these examples can be the seed that changes our lives. Girls will benefit from this identification on multiple levels but society benefits through the skill development and contribution that comes from an empowered woman.

This is not the sole responsibility of women to ensure historical information is accurate, it needs to be something that all educators, parents and general public take on as an important project.  Understanding the significance of women, away from mainstream portrayals and often exploitative illustrations, assists in the elevation of our relationships both personally and professionally. There is no other forums in which we would appreciate only hearing half the data. We would most likely feel slighted if someone fails to give us a full accounting of the facts or paints a picture that is unflattering. Yet, we have been apathetic to the missing pieces of our collective history, mainly because women were deemed irrelevant.

What can I do? It is time to honor women and to recognize that if you appreciate history at all then we must add in the stories of those whose contributions have been sorely missed. If you are unable to rally your schools or libraries to see the value in expanding the knowledge of women’s history then choose to pass along what you’ve learned to your children and anyone else who will listen. The story you tell may change one person’s perception of women or propel a girl towards what she previously thought was an unattainable dream.

Maybe I am late to the party, but I just found an incredible website called Makers which features some of the most influential women in the United States. I love, love, love hearing the stories about women but was even more excited when I saw this initiative developed and produced by PBS and AOL to capture thoughts, advice, opinions and memories of these dynamic women on video.

The magic of this site is the ease in which you can click through each frame and hear each woman speak on various topics. It feels personal, uncensored and inspirational. There were many women I have never heard of, but that in itself, made it more interesting. The sheer diversity of women whose voices and faces are now being shared expands our understanding of what women can accomplish in a lifetime. For myself, the first person I watched was Gloria Steinem, then Alexis Jones, Diane Von Furstenberg and Zainab Salbi. Completely different women but with similarities, most notably, in their strength and vision.

It is a self esteem builder, you can’t help but feel a sense that there is hope for the future and talents yet untapped in all of us. I encourage you to browse through the names and click on different videos, see what I mean about the authenticity that accompanies their appearance. Share it with your daughters and sons to give them a glimpse at the herstory that is often not explored; help them see firsthand who is making a difference in the world. This is slated to become a three hour documentary that will air on PBS in 2013, with a goal to provide an intimate account of these “trailblazers” from their own perspective.

So, enjoy the link. I would be happy to hear about who you watched and what you thought about this initiative and site.

In the company of women I feel stronger. There is just something about spending time with women that brings me back to both a healing and invigorating place. I don’t mean to sound as if I’m flying out there in la, la, land but women hold some incredible power and despite how much we talk about this power, I still don’t think we fully celebrate it. That strong, nurturing, knowledgeable, intuitive and creative force is something to admire and it may be now, more than ever, that we are dialing up the energy. 

Take into consideration the sheer numbers of women who now make up the blogosphere. This venue, in which we can share our expertise or gather women’s opinions on every topic under the sun, could not have been imagined twenty + years ago. Now, think back to the height of the feminist movement. As integral as the feminist movement was and is to securing person status and equal rights for women, we still to this day have not seen our sisters across the globe fully enjoy those freedoms. However, it would be difficult to find an area in the world in which women are not somehow connected (or about to be connected) to each other through blogging or social media. That movement to hear one another was so powerful and unstoppable; BlogHer’s own data and influence can speak to that.

We are driven to have a continuous path to each other in whatever form that takes; with the written word, through service, activity or friendship. If you have ever attended conferences or seminars put on by women and for women, you most likely have experienced that tribal feeling. It comes in through conversation and waives of inspiration; the kind of inspiration that is often difficult to experience in mixed company. I have sat at tables with women, listened to their stories and come away thinking “Wow! All that talent in one room!”

Our vision for what is required extends much further than our own personal needs. Marti Barletta wrote Marketing to Women – How to Increase Your Share of the World’s Largest Market  in which she says “Statistics overwhelm:  Women are responsible for 83% of consumer purchases.” We are the purchasing powerhouses that supply and build the home and business world. Women are often the butt of jokes regarding their spending but it is hardly a joke when we are “Earth’s largest economy.” Though, advertisers have been slow to pitch to women in the past, nobody can deny now who really makes the decisions and if companies really want to succeed they might want to recognize their true target audience.

It takes a lot of energy to keep our lives and the lives of others running at optimum strength. Sometimes, I wish I could bottle that energy for the times when we feel less confident; afraid to follow through to our potential. Times when we get in the way of ourselves even though we have all the support we need. I couldn’t charge for that bottle though, because it took far too long in the making for our concerns, opinions, intelligence and dreams to be held in high esteem. In the company of women I’m acutely aware of the facts… what we say matters and what we do, nurtures the world.

Do you know anyone who seems to be perpetually in a state of chaos? That somebody who constantly spreads their negative energy around; infecting everyone who comes within ear shot of their latest drama. Yes, there are drama Queens and Kings everywhere.

The following statement resonated with me the first time I heard it…“Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.”  I heard this through an interview Oprah was doing with Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor who after having a stroke, suffered severe cognitive and motor skills damage. In the hospital, where she lay, she could not talk with others but she could feel peoples energy. Out of that experience and her subsequent eight year recovery came the realization of just how powerful our own energy is.

Read the rest of this entry »

Moving toward healing -

Are you in a place where the questions are greater than the answers?

Are you feeling depression is slowly taking over your life?

Are you dealing with a fear that won’t let you go?

Are you reliving a trauma with seemingly no escape from a stream of memories and feelings?

These are only a few of the reasons why people seek the help of professional counselling and most people, from my experience, use this resource as a last resort. It is in our nature to want to fix things ourselves and we often have learned by example what techniques we might use. Employing supposed coping strategies that seemed from the outside to work quite well but when the same feelings or experiences return we are left to realize “this ain’t working.” We are all good at finding distractions, blaming others, believing we are strong enough to handle this alone or we simply pull the sheets over our heads and ride it out. Some people use alcohol, prescription and illegal drugs or other forms of abuse in order to divert temporarily from reality. All of these things are short term fixes to a larger problem.

There comes a time when we need to realize we are too close to the situation and that the counsel of someone who is objective will be valuable.  This person may be a Counsellor, Psychologist, Specialized Therapist, Psychiatrist or Social Worker. No doubt, it can be a very uncomfortable or fearful prospect; calling someone and saying “I need help.” However, it really is about feeling the fear and doing it anyway because making that call is our first step toward freedom. By releasing ourselves from the burden of carrying the problems on our own and clearing the clutter, there is far more greater chance that the answers we seek have room to surface.

Within in my own life I have used the services of others to help me make sense of the seemingly impossible tangle of thoughts, situations and memories. I also refer clients, friends and family members to counselling resources when I feel it is appropriate. This is an important gift to give someone because as much as we would like to be the sounding board, sometimes issues are outside of our expertise and we could cause more harm than good.  Whether personally or professionally our egos can make us think we can fix the issue but what most often happens is that we take the proverbial same actions expecting different results.

We all have times in our life when we have to take a leap of faith that someone may be able to help us see something we can’t. All that we need to learn is stored away and it is a counsellors job to help you get to the answers and move toward healing. Check with your doctor for referrals, phone a health center in your community, check directories or associations. Counselling BC offers resources for people living in British Columbia. Also, I have recently met through networking a wonderful woman by the name of Karen Laskey who offers Counselling and Hypnotherapy services. Check out her website for further information.

Finding the right person to work with you may take time but it’s worth it. Free yourself and let your story rise to the surface to guide you through all the trials and tribulations of life!

A recent conversation with someone reminded me how many people struggle to have an authentic relationship with their parent or parents. Do you have the parent you wanted? or Do you have expectations that were never fulfilled? It seems that hurt feelings and heat of the moment rants can carry forward and in this case is placing a burden on everyone who is close to the situation.

As I progressed through our talk I remembered my own struggle to let go of the parent I wanted and see that parent I had. It was a road traveled with the help of a good therapist early in my adult life; after I had left home. I was out there beginning a new chapter but what I was reading was the same book I had read a thousand times over. I felt cheated, I did not want a relationship with my parent and I carried a lot of anger.

I wore the memories like a badge depicting survival. I cried out the questions that started with “Why?” or “Why not?” I combed through every piece of evidence that my parent wasn’t right until I exhausted myself. I gained small victories in the beginning just by voicing my feelings but over time I came to realize the depth of my pain and anguish was harming me. I was leaving the door open for more of the same to come my way and I was just plain tired.

There came a point when words of wisdom were imparted that allowed me to see another side. I could spend my life pining for the parent I wanted growing up or I could let go, forgive and see the parent that stands before me now. From that point onward I made a concerted effort to recognize the person behind that “parent” title and practice forgiveness and compassion. I came to see that my parents did the best they could…they really did. Each came with a set of upbringing and circumstances of their own that they needed to navigate and as such we were all growing up together.

The questions became “How long am I willing to carry all of this?”— “Do I really want to spend my life looking backwards rehashing where I came from instead of where I’m going?”— “Is there anything that my parent could say that would erase it all?”— The answers came back NO, NO and NO, I’m not willing to carry this all of my life! In that moment I was freer than I had ever been. I saw my parent in a whole new light. I began a relationship that lasts to this day with an understanding this person grew and so did I.

We don’t get to pick our parents and we all have an image of what we believe they should be. Relationships in general  are like that… full of unrealized dreams and wonderful surprises. We have a choice to forgive, we have an opportunity to learn and we have chance to move forward. We can see them as works in progress and grant them ability to live their life accordingly. We can set boundaries and recognize our own triggers and we can choose to engage or walk away. We can set aside the preconceived notion that they could have been anything than what they were/are.

At some point, most parents deserve a pass. Only those that have been severely neglectful may not receive that courtesy. I believe it is important to talk to someone outside the family to gain clarity on your feelings and then I think there comes a time when one needs trust their own judgement.

The truest of connections can only come through invitation and what I discovered was the invite didn’t need to be extended to the other person but more importantly to myself.

“I invite you to be free and to know that you make the call as to whether this hurt will continue to travel down your life path. I invite you to note that your parent is as flawed as you are. I invite you to accept that your parent is having experiences that are just as meaningful to their evolution as yours are to you.  I invite you to be at peace.”

If there was a statement I hear most often from people it is “I want to find my purpose, I want to know, What is my purpose?”

There are points in life where we can become sensitive to our life and career positioning. Usually beginning with some conflict on the job or comparison to others in life but none-the-less what is initially a whisper becomes a loud ongoing internal conversation about purpose. Eventually, it gets vocalized to those close to us and then to anyone who may be able to help find what that purpose is.

Over the years I have felt this quest for “purpose” has become even stronger in my clients and lately I have been questioning, “Why?” I”m not sure I know fully what the answer is but I have observed and explored some interesting connections.

Over the centuries “purpose” for many was pre-designed you were essentially assigned your place in life and work. Even if one had a thought of doing something else it would either not be uttered, for fear of going against the establishment, or if you did speak up, you would have quickly realized few cared what you thought. It could be hard to find someone willing to help you change your path. Later generations started to move away from this idea that anyone would dictate who or what they would be and instead sought recognition and acceptance for their own pursuits.

In some cultures, coming of age ceremonies might have assisted one to realize their purpose; resulting in over-seeing the spiritual or practical well-being of their family or people. We have very little left in western culture that would provide an opening for us to be so ceremoniously in tune with our purpose. In fact, the daily interference of important ventures and so-called mundane tasks of living have been blamed for our inability to hear even a pang of purpose.

Sometimes what is confused as “finding my purpose” is actually in part the pursuit of status. Being regarded as an expert has fast become the désir d’aujourd’hui (desire of today) whereby in a sea of multi-talented people and competition, one seeks to be noticed. It is not so much the career or life purpose that has been full-filled so much as the ego has been rewarded. Soon after the questions arises yet again, “What is my purpose in life?”

It seemed to me that in answering any questions about finding our purpose that there would be some finality in the answer. We would be saved from the torment of not knowing (or seeming not to know) and go on from there happily living what we were intended to do. Then I had to ask “Has life and career ever been what we intended?“

After years of trying to define what I referred to as purpose and knowing that it was part of a larger journey, I finally found some clarity recently in a quote from Joseph Campbell. From the book “The Power of Myth” with Bill Moyers, Mr. Campbell offered this:

Just sheer life cannot be said to have a purpose, because look at all the different purposes it has all over the place. But each incarnation, you might say, has a potentiality, and the mission of life is to live that potentiality. How do you do it? My answer is, “Follow your bliss.”  There’s something inside you that knows when you’re in the center, that knows when you’re on the beam or off the beam.  And if you get off the beam to earn money, you’ve lost your life.  And if you stay in the center and don’t get any money, you still have your bliss.

Campbell goes on to quote Karlfried Graf Durckheim to add to his point, “When you’re on a journey, and the end keeps getting further and further away, then you realize that the real end is the journey.”

While toiling over the questions surrounding “our purpose” we forget that we are a living example of the human potential. That both life and career allows us to take the journey and open up to multiple possiblities. There is no finality in that, in the sense that if I find my purpose I will be this or that; I am already! 

So, the question becomes less about “What is my purpose?” and more about “What is my potential?”

To me, that sounds far more exciting, forward moving and ultimately a better use of time in this body, with this mind.

I was inspired by someone who reminded me how powerful expectations can be; both internal and external. Many of us grow up with messages that set the tone for how we view ourselves as it relates to appearance, our roles in family and relationships, our career or educational path, our place in society. Guided by the messages we make decisions that may be (or may not be) appropriate for us. Sometimes, we can become debilitated by the constant barrage of opinions that are truly not our own.

Handed down to us, these messages are most always soaked in expectations for our journey and if we do not fulfill them there is a true sense that we are letting someone down, if not ourselves. It can be a heavy burden to bare as the soul battles to tell the other story. That other story is what “we” know to be true. The message that was sent with us designed to be our road map through life. When we ache to find our way and begin to feel a sense of detachment from our own existence I believe it is because we can’t hear what the heart is trying to say.

Sometimes when I sit in a room with another person I see that struggle. I hear the voice with the message; the voice that wants to give all the answers that person is seeking. It is as if there are two people in front of me, one that tells the current life story and one that holds the original script. Their struggle is based on the missing pieces, which they know on some level, but they just can’t hear that very personal voice. Instead they revert back to what others think, feel and do because the belief is “they must know best.” They often do not.

We can never live up to expectations that were created for the sole purpose of assigning our place. A defined box that contains little of the original message. Expectations defined by family, relationship, culture or gender are often not healthy. The power that is exuded by one person’s expectation of another can change our whole perception of self and life. If it is a positive expectation that is mutually welcomed it propels us forward, if it is negative from the beginning or becomes so over time, it may stop us in our tracks.

A beautiful soul sat before me and I felt great when she stayed with the process that took her closer to hearing her own message. When she gave herself permission to go there, to enjoy the moment of being who she is without judgement it was breath taking. Fleeting moments when the obligations and expectations dropped away long enough for her voice and power to emerge triumphant. She was beautiful and connecting as it should be, as she wanted. I want her to realize this: “You were noticed, you do matter and what you are doing for yourself is courageous and admired.” You matter, as a mother, as a spouse, as a daughter, as sister, as a colleague, as a citizen and above all else as a WOMAN! Brought into the world with everything needed to survive and thrive.

Thank you, it was an honor to meet you.

One of the joys of my life right now is writing. There is so much in life to explore and write about, I’m so excited! I have been fortunate to dabble in the world of writing since I was a kid and have kept my poetry book full of youthful musings and reflections . I still have one little poem I wrote at the tender age of six that the teacher proudly put up on the wall for others to see. Very small indeed since my language and printing skills were still developing but dare I say, thoughtful.

My art work never made the wall of anything, other than my mother’s willingness to showcase my talents around the home. I can’t draw, unless stick people count and to this day nobody wants me on their team for a spirited game of Pictionary. I flunked (and got kicked out of) sewing class in junior high school, even though I thought my stuffed penguin was a work of art. Wrapping presents creatively remains a challenge, that is why I love gift bags and tissue paper and if you want properly arranged flowers give me extended time to consult Martha Stewart’s Arranging Flowers book.

My mother was a highly talented and widely known singer in her time, who after giving up her career to immigrate and raise children made it her goal to instill the love of music and singing into her children. Singing in front of a large or small audience was as natural as could be; though we didn’t always want to be on display. It was a talent I took for granted but choir, drama and talent shows were fun.

Dance and sports were also joys of mine which took up all my weeks. It was a busy schedule between training and competition but when I look back now I feel so fortunate to have been given these opportunities. The dance styles I learned were numerous and when I reflect back on some of those costumes I think “Wow, the seventies were really bad for fashion.”

Soccer was my dream sport and running long distance. I could run forever; put a ball in front of my feet and I felt the freedom and passion welling up inside me. (still do)

I do remember there were a couple of sports that weren’t my thing though, baseball was one of them. Great at running for the bases not so good at hitting the ball far.  Basketball, not that keen. I remember once grabbing onto the ball to take it away from an amazon of a girl, unfortunately she did not let go. Instead she proceeded to fling me to the side like a rag doll, I’m not sure but I may have been temporary attached to the ball while she was running. Note to self: grow a few more inches and you might belong in this game.

Blogging has taken my creative drive in a different direction, I’m pleased with the venue and the exercising of my brain. Recently, one of my blog posts Internet – Its Role in Victimization was syndicated on BlogHer. That was such a wonderful surprise as I respect the site tremendously and all it provides to our community of bloggers. As I develop my writing further I am inspired by so many.

You may notice down the side of my page a role call, as it were, of other bloggers/writers who equally explore their passions, life and talents. I encourage you to get acquainted with others who have similar interests to yours. Try something new or re-imagine something you have been doing for years. Build up your confidence as I am trying to do. I may not be the best at everything I have tried, but the point was to challenge myself, even if that required somebody to push me from behind. There are so many talented people whose expectation is to enjoy the process… so go I and hopefully so go you.

(In a shout out to a tireless promoter of others work, (and thanks for your mention) please check out Scully Love Promo on my blogroll links. You will love Christine’s reviews, especially if you are a book lover)