Take into consideration the sheer numbers of women who now make up the blogosphere. This venue, in which we can share our expertise or gather women’s opinions on every topic under the sun, could not have been imagined twenty + years ago. Now, think back to the height of the feminist movement. As integral as the feminist movement was and is to securing person status and equal rights for women, we still to this day have not seen our sisters across the globe fully enjoy those freedoms. However, it would be difficult to find an area in the world in which women are not somehow connected (or about to be connected) to each other through blogging or social media. That movement to hear one another was so powerful and unstoppable; BlogHer’s own data and influence can speak to that.

We are driven to have a continuous path to each other in whatever form that takes; with the written word, through service, activity or friendship. If you have ever attended conferences or seminars put on by women and for women, you most likely have experienced that tribal feeling. It comes in through conversation and waives of inspiration; the kind of inspiration that is often difficult to experience in mixed company. I have sat at tables with women, listened to their stories and come away thinking “Wow! All that talent in one room!”

Our vision for what is required extends much further than our own personal needs. Marti Barletta wrote Marketing to Women – How to Increase Your Share of the World’s Largest Market  in which she says “Statistics overwhelm:  Women are responsible for 83% of consumer purchases.” We are the purchasing powerhouses that supply and build the home and business world. Women are often the butt of jokes regarding their spending but it is hardly a joke when we are “Earth’s largest economy.” Though, advertisers have been slow to pitch to women in the past, nobody can deny now who really makes the decisions and if companies really want to succeed they might want to recognize their true target audience.

It takes a lot of energy to keep our lives and the lives of others running at optimum strength. Sometimes, I wish I could bottle that energy for the times when we feel less confident; afraid to follow through to our potential. Times when we get in the way of ourselves even though we have all the support we need. I couldn’t charge for that bottle though, because it took far too long in the making for our concerns, opinions, intelligence and dreams to be held in high esteem. In the company of women I’m acutely aware of the facts… what we say matters and what we do, nurtures the world.

The following statement resonated with me the first time I heard it…“Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.”  I heard this through an interview Oprah was doing with Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor who after having a stroke, suffered severe cognitive and motor skills damage. In the hospital, where she lay, she could not talk with others but she could feel peoples energy. Out of that experience and her subsequent eight year recovery came the realization of just how powerful our own energy is.

“What is the energy I am bringing to this space or  conversation?” We get so caught up in our own stuff that it is so easy to spew it out negativity without any regard to those around us. We need somewhere to dump our life trash and often that dumping ground becomes anyone within range. This could be a friend, a family member or even a complete stranger. In those moments we have no concern for others and how our transferring of that energy affects not only that person but really our world at large.

“I must take responsibility for my own life.” After all, we truly are the architect of both our triumphs and our destruction. Through our own decision making, fear and education comes what we see in front of us. If we take responsibility for our own life than it matters not what comes our way; we simply must adapt.

However, there are some people where these life lessons come hard. In some perverse way they get off on the drama or they simply have not found a way to learn otherwise.  They are oblivious and often unwilling to make the hard choices that would change perspective or direction into a more positive form. If we accept that what we are experiencing is a direct result of the energy we are putting out than we have the power to change. If we subscribe to the thought that it (whatever it is ) is outside of ourselves than we stay in victim/drama mode.

“How can I take responsibility for the energy I bring?”

* Begin with a conscious recognition that we do not have the right to dump negative energy anywhere we want and we need to be aware of the fragility of those around us.

* Accept that our human activity in mind, body and spirit is powerful. This is an important lesson to be learned in an ever troubled world.

* Find an alternative way to channel negative thoughts, energy or speak – distancing yourself enough before making a call or coming into someone’s space. Breathe and self reflect.

* Learn from your experiences – if you are in a constant state of chaos you probably are missing several lessons that are important to understand. However, even if you are not willing to see the writing on the wall that doesn’t give you permission to wrap everyone else up in your story.

* Accept the truth and don’t be annoyed if someone calls you out on your behaviour – the other person is establishing boundaries you have not been willing to establish for yourself.

* Take Responsibility!

All tough things for each of us to do but maybe we can try to minimize our drama Queen and King moments.

Are you in a place where the questions are greater than the answers?

Are you feeling depression is slowly taking over your life?

Are you dealing with a fear that won’t let you go?

Are you reliving a trauma with seemingly no escape from a stream of memories and feelings?

These are only a few of the reasons why people seek the help of professional counselling and most people, from my experience, use this resource as a last resort. It is in our nature to want to fix things ourselves and we often have learned by example what techniques we might use. Employing supposed coping strategies that seemed from the outside to work quite well but when the same feelings or experiences return we are left to realize “this ain’t working.” We are all good at finding distractions, blaming others, believing we are strong enough to handle this alone or we simply pull the sheets over our heads and ride it out. Some people use alcohol, prescription and illegal drugs or other forms of abuse in order to divert temporarily from reality. All of these things are short term fixes to a larger problem.

There comes a time when we need to realize we are too close to the situation and that the counsel of someone who is objective will be valuable.  This person may be a Counsellor, Psychologist, Specialized Therapist, Psychiatrist or Social Worker. No doubt, it can be a very uncomfortable or fearful prospect; calling someone and saying “I need help.” However, it really is about feeling the fear and doing it anyway because making that call is our first step toward freedom. By releasing ourselves from the burden of carrying the problems on our own and clearing the clutter, there is far more greater chance that the answers we seek have room to surface.

Within in my own life I have used the services of others to help me make sense of the seemingly impossible tangle of thoughts, situations and memories. I also refer clients, friends and family members to counselling resources when I feel it is appropriate. This is an important gift to give someone because as much as we would like to be the sounding board, sometimes issues are outside of our expertise and we could cause more harm than good.  Whether personally or professionally our egos can make us think we can fix the issue but what most often happens is that we take the proverbial same actions expecting different results.

We all have times in our life when we have to take a leap of faith that someone may be able to help us see something we can’t. All that we need to learn is stored away and it is a counsellors job to help you get to the answers and move toward healing. Check with your doctor for referrals, phone a health center in your community, check directories or associations. Counselling BC offers resources for people living in British Columbia. Also, I have recently met through networking a wonderful woman by the name of Karen Laskey who offers Counselling and Hypnotherapy services. Check out her website for further information.

Finding the right person to work with you may take time but it’s worth it. Free yourself and let your story rise to the surface to guide you through all the trials and tribulations of life!

As I progressed through our talk I remembered my own struggle to let go of the parent I wanted and see that parent I had. It was a road traveled with the help of a good therapist early in my adult life; after I had left home. I was out there beginning a new chapter but what I was reading was the same book I had read a thousand times over. I felt cheated, I did not want a relationship with my parent and I carried a lot of anger.

I wore the memories like a badge depicting survival. I cried out the questions that started with “Why?” or “Why not?” I combed through every piece of evidence that my parent wasn’t right until I exhausted myself. I gained small victories in the beginning just by voicing my feelings but over time I came to realize the depth of my pain and anguish was harming me. I was leaving the door open for more of the same to come my way and I was just plain tired.

There came a point when words of wisdom were imparted that allowed me to see another side. I could spend my life pining for the parent I wanted growing up or I could let go, forgive and see the parent that stands before me now. From that point onward I made a concerted effort to recognize the person behind that “parent” title and practice forgiveness and compassion. I came to see that my parents did the best they could…they really did. Each came with a set of upbringing and circumstances of their own that they needed to navigate and as such we were all growing up together.

The questions became “How long am I willing to carry all of this?”— “Do I really want to spend my life looking backwards rehashing where I came from instead of where I’m going?”— “Is there anything that my parent could say that would erase it all?”— The answers came back NO, NO and NO, I’m not willing to carry this all of my life! In that moment I was freer than I had ever been. I saw my parent in a whole new light. I began a relationship that lasts to this day with an understanding this person grew and so did I.

We don’t get to pick our parents and we all have an image of what we believe they should be. Relationships in general  are like that… full of unrealized dreams and wonderful surprises. We have a choice to forgive, we have an opportunity to learn and we have chance to move forward. We can see them as works in progress and grant them ability to live their life accordingly. We can set boundaries and recognize our own triggers and we can choose to engage or walk away. We can set aside the preconceived notion that they could have been anything than what they were/are.

At some point, most parents deserve a pass. Only those that have been severely neglectful may not receive that courtesy. I believe it is important to talk to someone outside the family to gain clarity on your feelings and then I think there comes a time when one needs trust their own judgement.

The truest of connections can only come through invitation and what I discovered was the invite didn’t need to be extended to the other person but more importantly to myself.

“I invite you to be free and to know that you make the call as to whether this hurt will continue to travel down your life path. I invite you to note that your parent is as flawed as you are. I invite you to accept that your parent is having experiences that are just as meaningful to their evolution as yours are to you.  I invite you to be at peace.”

There are points in life where we can become sensitive to our life and career positioning. Usually beginning with some conflict on the job or comparison to others in life but none-the-less what is initially a whisper becomes a loud ongoing internal conversation about purpose. Eventually, it gets vocalized to those close to us and then to anyone who may be able to help find what that purpose is.

Over the years I have felt this quest for “purpose” has become even stronger in my clients and lately I have been questioning, “Why?” I”m not sure I know fully what the answer is but I have observed and explored some interesting connections.

Over the centuries “purpose” for many was pre-designed you were essentially assigned your place in life and work. Even if one had a thought of doing something else it would either not be uttered, for fear of going against the establishment, or if you did speak up, you would have quickly realized few cared what you thought. It could be hard to find someone willing to help you change your path. Later generations started to move away from this idea that anyone would dictate who or what they would be and instead sought recognition and acceptance for their own pursuits.

In some cultures, coming of age ceremonies might have assisted one to realize their purpose; resulting in over-seeing the spiritual or practical well-being of their family or people. We have very little left in western culture that would provide an opening for us to be so ceremoniously in tune with our purpose. In fact, the daily interference of important ventures and so-called mundane tasks of living have been blamed for our inability to hear even a pang of purpose.

Sometimes what is confused as “finding my purpose” is actually in part the pursuit of status. Being regarded as an expert has fast become the désir d’aujourd’hui (desire of today) whereby in a sea of multi-talented people and competition, one seeks to be noticed. It is not so much the career or life purpose that has been full-filled so much as the ego has been rewarded. Soon after the questions arises yet again, “What is my purpose in life?”

It seemed to me that in answering any questions about finding our purpose that there would be some finality in the answer. We would be saved from the torment of not knowing (or seeming not to know) and go on from there happily living what we were intended to do. Then I had to ask “Has life and career ever been what we intended?“

After years of trying to define what I referred to as purpose and knowing that it was part of a larger journey, I finally found some clarity recently in a quote from Joseph Campbell. From the book “The Power of Myth” with Bill Moyers, Mr. Campbell offered this:

Just sheer life cannot be said to have a purpose, because look at all the different purposes it has all over the place. But each incarnation, you might say, has a potentiality, and the mission of life is to live that potentiality. How do you do it? My answer is, “Follow your bliss.”  There’s something inside you that knows when you’re in the center, that knows when you’re on the beam or off the beam.  And if you get off the beam to earn money, you’ve lost your life.  And if you stay in the center and don’t get any money, you still have your bliss.

Campbell goes on to quote Karlfried Graf Durckheim to add to his point, “When you’re on a journey, and the end keeps getting further and further away, then you realize that the real end is the journey.”

While toiling over the questions surrounding “our purpose” we forget that we are a living example of the human potential. That both life and career allows us to take the journey and open up to multiple possiblities. There is no finality in that, in the sense that if I find my purpose I will be this or that; I am already! 

So, the question becomes less about “What is my purpose?” and more about “What is my potential?”

To me, that sounds far more exciting, forward moving and ultimately a better use of time in this body, with this mind.