You have probably experienced a situation where someone is trying to do an activity, slowly, methodically or even incorrectly from your perspective and your first instinct is to step in and do it yourself. Maybe, you recognized something needs to be said and you want to tell a person just how you feel or what you think but, you resist because you don’t believe they are strong enough to hear it. Sometimes you may even feel that your feelings are not valid or your time precious in comparison to others. So, off you go saying “Yes” without ever considering the dynamic you have just set up for yourself and your relationship with the other person or persons. Rescuer’s are in each of those examples.

Some rescuer’s can feel a sense of superiority to the person they are attempting to rescue. Have you ever heard yourself saying, “They need me, without my help where would they be?” It is not uncommon for that to spiral into resentment or persecution of others when you don’t feel your efforts were appreciated. Through your need to be needed, family members, colleagues at work or community acquaintances learn to be dependent on your pattern of assistance.

Whatever the scenario, it is helpful to ask yourself:

What roles do I take on?

Why do I believe it is my responsibility to rescue others?

Is there a difference in the the people I tend to rescue? (Age? Gender? Demonstrating bias towards or against individuals)

What do I gain?

Exploring your motivation for being a rescuer is an important piece in the goal to letting go. Often when you come to understand Who? What? and Why? you also learn that rescuing is more to serve yourself rather than others. Even if your intention is to be helpful, it may not be the healthiest approach. People can feel like they are not capable or worthy if you keep stepping in. They don’t learn new skills such as communication or assertiveness. There is an isolation that can occur especially if they see others working on similar problems successfully using their own hands or critical thinking. Even feelings of anger can emerge because of lack of control and powerlessness. Learned helplessness is not what you want to pass along.

If you want to break the need to rescue, try the following:

1. Encourage others to do things for themselves. Give information and show them possibilities; let them go from there. Provide positive reinforcement.

2. Believe in others’ abilities to learn and help themselves. Don’t make assumptions that they can’t do either.

3. Do no more than 50% of the work in any relationship. We teach people how to treat us; believe that you deserve as much respect and equal treatment as they do.

4. Drop the superiority complex. Your way is not the right way or the only way. People will survive without you and must be allowed to experience life lessons.

5. Set boundaries. When you set boundaries for your time and relationships you are far less likely to fall into the rescue trap.

Break the need to rise to the rescue position. Instead, step outside of that role and into an equal relationship with everyone you meet. I guarantee many people will benefit from the new you.

I don’t know how many conversations I have had in which my enthusiasm for telling stories of women’s history results in people’s realization of just how little they know on the topic. More questions come forward to which I try to respond and for the women in the room, especially, I see them go from interest, to pride and then to frustration. The frustration comes from a greater awareness that all this history isn’t common knowledge; a sense of being cheated. Invariably, the conversation progresses to how many males in history we know versus women.

To me, it has to go beyond the conversation of women missing from the history books and instead go to, how are we going to ensure that the legacy and accomplishments of those past and present don’t continue to get swept into a quiet dusty corner of the library or book store? In fact, for a moment I want you to consider when you last stepped foot into a book store or library. Could you easily find the books on women’s history? I know that if you found it at all, the section would be very small. Despite the extent to which women have participated in the advancement of this world there is still not enough emphasis on writing, presenting or educating the public on their contributions.

Why should you care? Why should we care about learning any history? Simply put, it opens our minds in a way that very few things can. It gives us both the pain and the pleasure, the dream and the journey, the learning that comes from intelligent ideas through to tangible mistakes. History gives us blueprints for the future and commands us to recognize sacrifice in the pursuit of goals. Through history we a drawn into a play of characters and circumstances that help us identify so many attributes within our ourselves. Sometimes there are stories we hold in high regard and other times there are things we wished were not a part of our human experience. We gain our pride and self esteem when we can look at an individual (or individuals) in history who embody the characteristics we want to cultivate or may possess.

When women get left out of the history lessons in our schools, books and media, then we essentially only learn a fraction of what has happened, is happening or could happen. It is an inaccurate accounting of events and by that omission we are not only obtaining misleading information but have created a false representation of women’s roles in society. This distorted interpretation fuels the lack of communication and respect that can exist between girls and boys, women and men. It is difficult to have a fair discussion on the relevance and contributions of women when everything thus far has been taken out of context.

Self esteem and dreams are built often by the seed of one comment or influential encounter. It is a piece of knowledge from or about a woman who broke barriers, changed the course of history, patented a product, invented a cure, contributed through military service, traversed the globe, built a business empire, fought for rights or died for her beliefs. All of these examples can be the seed that changes our lives. Girls will benefit from this identification on multiple levels but society benefits through the skill development and contribution that comes from an empowered woman.

This is not the sole responsibility of women to ensure historical information is accurate, it needs to be something that all educators, parents and general public take on as an important project.  Understanding the significance of women, away from mainstream portrayals and often exploitative illustrations, assists in the elevation of our relationships both personally and professionally. There is no other forums in which we would appreciate only hearing half the data. We would most likely feel slighted if someone fails to give us a full accounting of the facts or paints a picture that is unflattering. Yet, we have been apathetic to the missing pieces of our collective history, mainly because women were deemed irrelevant.

What can I do? It is time to honor women and to recognize that if you appreciate history at all then we must add in the stories of those whose contributions have been sorely missed. If you are unable to rally your schools or libraries to see the value in expanding the knowledge of women’s history then choose to pass along what you’ve learned to your children and anyone else who will listen. The story you tell may change one person’s perception of women or propel a girl towards what she previously thought was an unattainable dream.

The magic of this site is the ease in which you can click through each frame and hear each woman speak on various topics. It feels personal, uncensored and inspirational. There were many women I have never heard of, but that in itself, made it more interesting. The sheer diversity of women whose voices and faces are now being shared expands our understanding of what women can accomplish in a lifetime. For myself, the first person I watched was Gloria Steinem, then Alexis Jones, Diane Von Furstenberg and Zainab Salbi. Completely different women but with similarities, most notably, in their strength and vision.

It is a self esteem builder, you can’t help but feel a sense that there is hope for the future and talents yet untapped in all of us. I encourage you to browse through the names and click on different videos, see what I mean about the authenticity that accompanies their appearance. Share it with your daughters and sons to give them a glimpse at the herstory that is often not explored; help them see firsthand who is making a difference in the world. This is slated to become a three hour documentary that will air on PBS in 2013, with a goal to provide an intimate account of these “trailblazers” from their own perspective.

So, enjoy the link. I would be happy to hear about who you watched and what you thought about this initiative and site.

Take into consideration the sheer numbers of women who now make up the blogosphere. This venue, in which we can share our expertise or gather women’s opinions on every topic under the sun, could not have been imagined twenty + years ago. Now, think back to the height of the feminist movement. As integral as the feminist movement was and is to securing person status and equal rights for women, we still to this day have not seen our sisters across the globe fully enjoy those freedoms. However, it would be difficult to find an area in the world in which women are not somehow connected (or about to be connected) to each other through blogging or social media. That movement to hear one another was so powerful and unstoppable; BlogHer’s own data and influence can speak to that.

We are driven to have a continuous path to each other in whatever form that takes; with the written word, through service, activity or friendship. If you have ever attended conferences or seminars put on by women and for women, you most likely have experienced that tribal feeling. It comes in through conversation and waives of inspiration; the kind of inspiration that is often difficult to experience in mixed company. I have sat at tables with women, listened to their stories and come away thinking “Wow! All that talent in one room!”

Our vision for what is required extends much further than our own personal needs. Marti Barletta wrote Marketing to Women – How to Increase Your Share of the World’s Largest Market  in which she says “Statistics overwhelm:  Women are responsible for 83% of consumer purchases.” We are the purchasing powerhouses that supply and build the home and business world. Women are often the butt of jokes regarding their spending but it is hardly a joke when we are “Earth’s largest economy.” Though, advertisers have been slow to pitch to women in the past, nobody can deny now who really makes the decisions and if companies really want to succeed they might want to recognize their true target audience.

It takes a lot of energy to keep our lives and the lives of others running at optimum strength. Sometimes, I wish I could bottle that energy for the times when we feel less confident; afraid to follow through to our potential. Times when we get in the way of ourselves even though we have all the support we need. I couldn’t charge for that bottle though, because it took far too long in the making for our concerns, opinions, intelligence and dreams to be held in high esteem. In the company of women I’m acutely aware of the facts… what we say matters and what we do, nurtures the world.

The following statement resonated with me the first time I heard it…“Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.”  I heard this through an interview Oprah was doing with Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor who after having a stroke, suffered severe cognitive and motor skills damage. In the hospital, where she lay, she could not talk with others but she could feel peoples energy. Out of that experience and her subsequent eight year recovery came the realization of just how powerful our own energy is.

“What is the energy I am bringing to this space or  conversation?” We get so caught up in our own stuff that it is so easy to spew it out negativity without any regard to those around us. We need somewhere to dump our life trash and often that dumping ground becomes anyone within range. This could be a friend, a family member or even a complete stranger. In those moments we have no concern for others and how our transferring of that energy affects not only that person but really our world at large.

“I must take responsibility for my own life.” After all, we truly are the architect of both our triumphs and our destruction. Through our own decision making, fear and education comes what we see in front of us. If we take responsibility for our own life than it matters not what comes our way; we simply must adapt.

However, there are some people where these life lessons come hard. In some perverse way they get off on the drama or they simply have not found a way to learn otherwise.  They are oblivious and often unwilling to make the hard choices that would change perspective or direction into a more positive form. If we accept that what we are experiencing is a direct result of the energy we are putting out than we have the power to change. If we subscribe to the thought that it (whatever it is ) is outside of ourselves than we stay in victim/drama mode.

“How can I take responsibility for the energy I bring?”

* Begin with a conscious recognition that we do not have the right to dump negative energy anywhere we want and we need to be aware of the fragility of those around us.

* Accept that our human activity in mind, body and spirit is powerful. This is an important lesson to be learned in an ever troubled world.

* Find an alternative way to channel negative thoughts, energy or speak – distancing yourself enough before making a call or coming into someone’s space. Breathe and self reflect.

* Learn from your experiences – if you are in a constant state of chaos you probably are missing several lessons that are important to understand. However, even if you are not willing to see the writing on the wall that doesn’t give you permission to wrap everyone else up in your story.

* Accept the truth and don’t be annoyed if someone calls you out on your behaviour – the other person is establishing boundaries you have not been willing to establish for yourself.

* Take Responsibility!

All tough things for each of us to do but maybe we can try to minimize our drama Queen and King moments.