Archive for the ‘Self-Esteem’ Category

What was your first job and what did it teach you?

The first job we have is such a profound marker in life, a coming of age moment. The cutting of the chord, as it were, from our parents and a real indicator life is about to be very different. I have had many conversations with people about their first job and by virtue of being a career counselor/coach I have also been present at an individuals first leap into the world of work. What always intrigues me is how we get started and how we progress from those humble beginnings.

My first job was in retail. Working for one of the largest and most popular jean company Bootlegger. It was initially a challenge for me as I wasn’t always comfortable with pressure sales and up-selling; it felt a little like I was pushing the limits of trust between customer and clerk. What got me past my reservations was the all important first pay cheque, in addition to keeping a roof over my head and food in my stomach. Fresh out of high school and now independent it became an essential quality to look at the bigger picture as there was nobody else to blame if I failed to pay my rent.  I quickly learned that money wasn’t everything, there was more to a job and paycheque than meets the eye.

Many very famous people had some less than glamorous jobs but important starts. Gwen Stefani from the group No Doubt worked at Dairy Queen cleaning the floors. Kirstie Alley known for her role on the hit television show Cheers was a housekeeper; in an interview with Oprah she shared her knowledge of the best ways to clean a home. Barbara Walters was a secretary in an office before she began her career in journalism. Queen Latifah who has made her mark as a singer and actor worked at Burger King. Suze Orman the financial guru worked as a waitress. In fact, there were many cooks, waitresses, retail clerks and secretaries. Maya Angelou the brilliant poet and writer started out similarly but one interesting note was the distinction of being the first black female streetcar conductor in San Francisco.

What did my first job teach me? I certainly understood more about my values and developed skills I previously didn’t know I had. I used the word trust earlier when describing my interaction with customers, but really it was the importance of placing myself in other peoples’ shoes. Whether somebody came to me to get an honest opinion on buying an item or for advice the lesson I concluded was to be authentic. Fake just doesn’t cut it. I also now empathize with those that serve others as I know what it’s like being behind the counter.

Here are some other important things learned:

1.Strong work ethic: by working hard, pushing through challenge, putting in the time and showing willingness to learn, many doors can open.

2.Validation: I liked Kirstie speaking about being validated for her contribution as the housekeeper. She was able to take pride in her work and know that it was important and the skills obtained would be used many times in life. She shared “It gave me a vision for my own home.”

3. Making average great: Suze Orman profoundly remarked about how being a waitress helped her discover happiness. She stated “I learned that when you make average great, your dreams can become a reality.”

4. Perspective:  The first job can give you perspective. Life up to that point has been fairly structured and blinders were firmly attached. The first job opens us up the opportunity to find deeper meaning and understanding about self and others.

5. The Journey: None of the famous people noted or anyone I know had instantaneous success. Contrary to popular belief we don’t get to become CEO overnight. Starting at the bottom and working our way up has a lot of benefits. Maybe the pocket book is lighter but the experience and exposure to what and who can make a big difference is the long term gain.

6. Mentors Matter: Mentors are truly the unsung hero’s in our career development. The biggest impact on our professional lives whether youth or adult can often be found in a person who took the time to see the potential.

7. Money isn’t everything: Though there are famous women and men who have enjoyed huge success and now live life comfortably financially, it wasn’t the pursuit of the next dollar that got them there. Finding the joy, listening to the right people, setting goals and working hard brings us closer to the life we want.

Here’s something else from the book of Jennifer

- Nobody owes us nothing but if we trace backward we may find we owe someone something. It is usually gratitude for their wisdom, patience and willingness to take a chance on us. With naivety firmly intact we begin the career path. It doesn’t matter whether you are selling jeans, flipping burgers, wearing work boots or a hair net there is learning in everything we do. Nothing is beneath us except solid ground in which to start building upon.

What did your first job teach you?

The marriage between hockey legends and competitive figure skaters makes for interesting television.

If you haven’t heard about the new CBC show Battle of the Blades I suggest you get up to speed. CBC has me tuning in each week to watch  some of the former greats of the National Hockey League pair skate with the most skillful and talented figure skaters of our time. This is perfect for someone like me because I have always enjoyed watching competitive skating and have maintained a long love affair with hockey.

In front of a live audience at Maple Leaf Gardens, the opportunity to see people we admire in both sports and good old fashion competition, heats up the ice. This is a brilliant concept, a reality show that is open for men, women and children to watch. Canada is rich in talent in both of these sports and this pays tribute in its own way to those that have previously dedicated their life to pursuing their dream in hockey or ice skating.

Competition is good! We have long been trying to beat this out of our system and I can tell you, keeping score is what also makes this show fun. This is a good example of healthy competition, it helps improve the performances and provides a good example of how one can step out of their comfort zone to try something new.

Did any of these NHL’ers ever think that the dance they would be doing in the future would not involve, finessing around someone to score a goal or dropping their gloves? No. None of them knew they had this in them and so they are good examples of using skills in a different way and being open to learning.

For the figure skaters who are helping to train these ex-hockey players, they must exercise patience. These women and the choreographers are not dealing with equally gifted and trained ice skaters so there certainly must be a high level of trust. Hour upon hour they work toward a goal, to enjoy the experience, stay in the competition and raise money for their charity. Yes, did I mention the charities? This is what takes this program to another “special” level, each pair has chosen a charity to represent. Only good can come from that, whether it be money or exposure.

I tune in to watch, relax, cheer and voice my inexpert opinion. I also tune in because I realized there is more to this show than voting at the end of each competition for our favourite pair. It is about pushing your own perceived physical and mental boundaries, trying something you never thought you would, raising your self confidence, partnership and trust, competition, unity and charity. Now that’s a well packaged show!

Battle of the Blades

It is always odd in life when a conversation or observation plays itself out more than once in a short period of time. Of late it has been individuals who are trying desperately to defy aging. For many years I watched women try various treatments, creams, workouts, diets and clothing styles in an attempt to divert attention away from the signs of aging. Two very good examples of that presented themselves this past couple of weeks and my interest was peaked…Can the obsession with anti-aging, age you?

Women have long thought that by doing all of the above treatments they would somehow feel better about their bodies and overall image. It also appears that many believe that what they are doing is making them more beautiful to the public eye. I don’t have a problem with people who want to keep themselves healthy or even change up their personal style but some women are appearing older; trying to drink from the fountain of youth may have proved poisonous.

In the pursuit of the sun-kissed glow there are people who take that to the extreme and after years of tanning now sport the “leather look.” It has increased their wrinkles, moles and other skin related conditions and ultimately does not look youthful at all.

Clothing that belongs on a teenager or twenty year old is not flattering to the forty+  body. Yet we see many women attempting to claim their youth, through the wearing of styles so inappropriate it draws more negative attention than positive.

There are surgical enhancements/treatments that look mismatched in comparison to the body parts that are not altered. Not to mention botched jobs that cost some people more than what they bargained for.

How about injections that create an expressionless face that has everyone fixated on how nothing moves, rather than on what the person is saying.

What we see in the mirror is not always a true reflection and as a result we may never know how damaging the anti-aging pursuits have been.

It is a fact that we age and all of us have the choice to grow old with grace and acceptance, or fight it all the way to the grave. The fighting is futile; as sure as we will age, so shall we die. The amount of time, money and self battering associated with all of this may only hasten the process. The diets and dyes, drugs and surgeries, stresses with dressing and constant obsessing, may indeed age us quicker.

I know the pressure is there, streamed and beamed into every part of our life. A youth centric culture with air-brushed women and a warped sense of what makes a woman sexy. We can not enter any store, open a magazine, flip a channel, drive past a billboard or peruse the Internet without being reminded we are not good enough. Our attractiveness is measured constantly by society and even partners/family. So, it is no wonder that there are people who will never feel like they measure up.

We all do a self examination, myself included. After entering my forties I found myself on occasion assessing this new me, it comes with laugh and worry lines, a size up in clothing, more gray hair and a workout that takes me twice as long.  It is the work out that has me most perplexed. Apparently, muscles have memory but I think mine are suffering from a memory lapse, as they can’t remember my abs of steel and contoured triceps.

Having said that, I am not prepared to succumb to the pressures of being something I am not. What I wish for my body is health and happiness. What I want is to wear clothing that flatters the body that carried me this far, despite some bad decisions in the past. I don’t want to spend my money on anti-aging, just healthy living. If for some reason I have a case of missing my youthful looks too much, I’m hoping I have people around who can set me straight before I do irreversible damage to what was beautiful to begin with.

INVEST IN YOUR SELF ESTEEM, IT WILL CARRY YOU FARTHER IN LIFE AND LOVE.

It is often hard to give ourselves permission to stop and truly take care of self.

Lately, I have been pulling out many hats and switching them several times throughout the day.  There are moments of clarity where I talk to my self and say, “What the heck are you doing, Jennifer?” The answer comes back, “stop and have lunch, drink water, breathe, damn it breathe.” Still I proceed unsympathetic to its pleas, after all there is a list of things to do and a timeline in which to do it.

There are also roles; that are defined very early on in relationships with family, friends and significant others. Each person, for the most part, is busy too and therefore has difficulty noticing if we are burning the candle at both ends. There is a person who might pipe and say, “Why don’t you just not do that?” OK, I could put it aside but the odd thing is, the darn thing will be waiting for me tomorrow or next week when I’m equally busy, so how does that help? What’s even odder is that thing you put off, waits until you’re just about to drop off to sleep and then creeps into your head and says in a whispering voice, “Don’t forget…. tomorrow” And I’m awake again.

So, today I took time out at the spa. “Ahhhh.” It was there in the low lights, relaxing music and with the gentle hands of Leanne providing me with a well needed facial, I had a moment. Here I am imparting the wisdom of women balancing their life and careers and I’m not taking my own advice. Asking women to take time out for self and sharing how those around you will benefit from your self care and here I was forgetting to even take a proper breath.

This time at the spa was a luxury I do not afford myself often. Financially it is not always feasible, sometimes I feel guilty for loving it so much and as you can see I don’t allow time. It is my choice to wear all those hats and sometimes a hat is donated and worn to alleviate someone else. Either way, saying “No” is a word that is hard to say, even for me.

So, this counsellor needs to take her own advice more often and the advice of those loving people who observe the flames as I streak by them on my way to the next project.

Taking care of self should not be the gift you give yourself, but the norm. I have to say, I will need to explore this further, reach deep and overcome. In the meantime, I will start small, reduce the current array of hats and know that “Delegation” and saying “NO”, are not dirty words. My face is clean and so to is my conscience for taking an hour + for self.

Recently, I asked women to answer the following questions:

What does empowerment mean to you? Do you agree that women are more empowered and in what ways? Is there anything in today’s society that would make you think women are less empowered and if so what is it?

Well, did I get some great answers! Women from the United States, Canada and the United Kingdom had something to say about empowerment. Condensing it became a challenge, as there was great wisdom and such interesting perspectives. So, go to my column at TimeFinders Online Magazine – Worldly Women and see for yourself.

TimeFinders Magazine

What are the guiding principals of your life?

Values can be described as the beliefs, attitudes and philosophies which you consider important. They don’t change from personal life to work, they are not situational. You don’t just walk out the door and change your values. The decisions you make in life and the actions associated with those decisions are influenced by your values alone.

We have certain things in life we value more than others. Over the course of our lifetime they remain firmly intact, but some may differ in terms of priority. For instance: there are certain things you may have valued more as a youth than in your adult life. They are still there, just possibly a bit farther down the list.

What we value shows up in how we shop, when we vote, in our friendships, work and play. Some values may be protected and defended more than others, compromise may not be an option. When asked to compromise values you are placed in a bad position, one that can affect you personally, emotionally, spiritually and professionally.

Being clear about what you value can help in your career and your relationships. If you value Honesty, Integrity, Loyalty and Self Respect you will try to live accordingly and seek out others of like mind. You will not be inclined to work for a company that is dishonest or makes you feel uncomfortable because what you value, clashes with their organization. If you value, Action, Adventure, Excitement you may seek this out personally and/or professionally through activities and people.

It was Roy Disney who was quoted as saying “When your values are clear to you, making decisions become easier.” This is true. So, I encourage you to take some time for yourself and clarify “What do I value in my life?” List out what is important to you in order of priority. That will help you build the confidence necessary to make the right decisions in life and work.

Here is a small list of values to get you started:

affection, emotion, love, athletics, health, beauty, nature, peace, challenge, change, curiosity, travel, wealth, enjoyment, fun, humour, family, marriage, parenthood, friendship, ideas, intelligence, logic, wisdom, inner harmony, social welfare, spiritual life, power, prestige, recognition, financial security, pleasure, sensuality and play.

This is one of my most favorite quotes:

“Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging” Joseph Campbell

I always shared this quote with my “Transitions” students, these wonderful people were finding it most difficult to transition back to work due to their disabilities. When they arrived the first day you could always see the despair, so much loss, confusion and even anger. Life as they knew it had either suddenly or over time changed and the self they once knew no longer stood before them in the mirror.

Over the course of the days we would spend together in the workshop I would see the personality of each individual change, the thick skin that had encased them, slowly began to soften and shed. Emerging was incredible people with feelings that are valid but often misunderstood. There were thoughts and ideas that had been previously shelved slowly bubbling to the surface. Smiles could be seen more frequently and even laughter, especially when they could laugh at their own transformation. Recognition of skills and talents became easier as the hours and days past.

Time after time I saw people who worked hard to awakened themselves from what seemed like a nightmare of circumstances beyond their control. Regaining control over their life and taking time to dream about the possibilities became a priority. This is when the quote seemed even more appropriate…as I write this a shiver roles down my body.

Opportunity to truly know self and the powers we possess may not come in the form we would have likely chose, but it is the power in all its glory. It is by no accident, in my estimation, that we find ourselves throughout life being asked to look deeper. There is so much to know about life and your unique self; if you have the fortune to know them intimately you are truly a lucky person.

Challenge makes people rise up to meet their greater self! Your skills are infinite, your health is important, your friends and support network are brought closer. In essence, through challenge you are more alive than you may have ever been!

Communication, Relationships, Abundance, Self Esteem, Empowerment and Self Awareness.

What if you had the opportunity to obtain a better understanding of yourself through personal exercises, all from the comfort of your own home or office? I recently had the great fortune to talk with Sheila Radha Conrad about Life Mastery Skills, a program she has developed and offers through her website.

I was amazed how much information and support was provided on the site including free exercises to assist anyone who wishes to begin their journey inward. Upon speaking with Sheila Radha Conrad, I knew why she had chosen this route to reach people. This is a woman with an extensive background in Counselling Psychology; her wisdom runs deep and her spirit is generous, as you will see in the following excerpts from our conversation.

I really enjoyed your website and the exercises you provided. Can you tell us more about Life Mastery Skills?

Life Mastery Skills allows people to develop the practice of going inside to access their inner wisdom and their inner knowing. Usually, if we have a problem we go outside of ourselves to get the information that will help us, but this is how to go inside. Because, within each of us we really do know the answers once we learn how to access it. I’m sure because you have done this for so many years, you know that the secret is knowing the right question.

Read the rest of this entry »

Too much recession talk, is there anyone out there thinking positively about the near future?

The word “recession” is getting attached to almost everything in life. “Recession proof your marriage”, “Recession recipes”, “Recession fashion”, “Recession protection for your job”, recession, recession, recession! Ahhhhh!

The word itself is making money for anyone who can work it in to their portfolio. As long as we have an audience who bathes in the doom and gloom, the Internet and TV  will be primed for any bad news. People scanning for information on how to protect themselves from what is here and coming, they will awake to “recession” everyday.

“Depression”, is also bantered around. This word has a whole other power; debilitating, the end of the world type power. The vision of black and white pictures begin rolling, previously only seen in history books or movies, are now shown with regularity to feed the appetite of doom seekers. 

Breaking News: The dawn of the new and improved Great Depression. We will be better at it than our predecessors as we have more to lose.

Stop already!

There are services available that were not available in previous times. Crime is not rampant and unemployment is not at its all time worst. If you want to arm yourself with anything, it is a good support network and turn off the doomsday forecasters. Try to replace the word “recession” with the words we used to attach to our daily life challenges.

* My fashion choices are thrifty and stylish.

* My recipes are good for more than one meal and freeze well.

* My marriage is important to me, we’ve chosen to maintain healthy communication,”for better or for worse.”

I don’t need to keep up with Joneses and never really wanted to. I didn’t need most of what I have purchased over the last few years, I just wanted it. This is a unique opportunity to learn lessons I may have missed before.

Build up your self esteem with solid networking, help your self and others by changing your language right now, move away from the word “recession”. Put on the good news and turn off the bad. I’m not asking you to bury your head in the sand, but its easier to get clarity if your mind isn’t being bombarded by negative messages. Talk the right talk and you will walk the right walk.

The first lady Michelle Obama had a lot of focus on her while her husband  President Obama attended the G20 summit. A friend of mine who lives in England and I were talking about the coverage of her visit. She sent me a link to an article that spoke about a visit Michelle Obama made to Islington’s Elizabeth Garrett Anderson Language College.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/apr/05/michelle-obama-school-london

The speech she gave really appeared to resonate with the students, I especially enjoyed both the power in the message and the simplicity of the language. All too often politicians or their representatives tend to speak too much and say very little of value or they clumsily dance through the photo op and leave the site soon after. This was not the case. Michelle Obama, by all accounts, was very present and her words gave a glimpse of the girl in the woman, memories from her own years as a student.

More importantly she inspired the girls attending that school. That is exciting to me; one, five, ten or 100 more girls feeling good about themselves, affirming the importance of their own education, caring about today and looking optimistically toward their future!

Empowerment is a beautiful thing.