Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

The Bay has launched its Mothers Day promotional guide full of “Every Thing She Loves” but noticeably absent from the pages was any mother over the age of 40. It was my own mother who brought this to my attention after she had thumbed through the pages, called me and said “Have you seen the latest Bay flyer for Mother’s Day?” I replied, “No.” She then began to explain to me that (with the exception of Jeanne Beker) there isn’t one picture of a woman her age or even a grandmother. She questioned “What? Aren’t we mothers too?

All the clothes were geared to young mothers who must have children and partners with very deep pockets. With emerald and diamonds jewelery well over $1000, most perfumes were over $100 and even lingerie being a trendy gift for Mother; a little card, flowers or dinner appears to be passe.  “You know I have always loved lingerie but I wouldn’t be expecting that for mothers day!” my mother said.

Let me tell you what this really meant to my mother, as she ages she become less and less relevant. She lives in a world full of age discrimination, erased from the consciousness of advertisers except if they are peddling medications or leak proof under-garments.  The Bay, a Canadian institution bought out some years back by a U.S company, has changed like so many things in her life and it is frustrating. Beyond her realization that this promotion failed to consider mothers of all ages was her observation that most of the featured products did not make sense as gifts for this special day and I tend to agree.

Is this really what mothers expect to receive? or Is this just another opportunity to exploit a day of respect and persuade us all to show our love through Coach, Michael Kors and Prada. You can bet it was the latter! Persuasion and exploitation go hand in hand in the world of advertising. Lines like “the Golden Rule: Treat Her” next to diamonds and gold, “There’s no Present like the time”  for Fossil watches and “Objects of Affection” to describe earrings and pearls, do we need to guess who their target buyer really is? No pressure for any child or partner intended, of course.

One day, it will probably happen as it has with my mother. I will be sitting in my chair and it will dawn on me… I no longer exist. I will recall when I turned heads and wore heals that were bad for my feet but great for attention. I will have to be more savvy with my shopping in order to find the clothes that stylishly suit my age. I will be surfing the television channels to find shows that use language I can understand and some representation of a woman over the age of 60. I will be flipping through a magazine or flyer searching for “Every thing I love” and finding it really hard to even find one product, article or picture that speaks to me. I’m not looking forward to that reality.

My mother still wears heels and other not so grandmotherly looking things. Though, she would never want her kids to buy her any of those items, (preferring instead to receive a beautiful card) she wouldn’t have minded having The Bay, and others like them, remember that she’s a mother too.

” There are many types of ships. There are wooden ships, plastic ships and metal ships. But, the best and most important types of ships are friendships. “ (Irish quote)

I am one of the luckiest people I know – I have wonderful friends! How about you?

Would you say you were closest to your friends than family? Is your life partner your closest friend? Do you consider your sister, mother, father or brother your friend?

No matter who it is, we are all infinitely more happy and healthy if we cultivate and maintain friendships.

I can’t imagine my life without my friends; I truly think I would whither away without that connection.  Friends allow us to be who we are and do so without the expectation that we should or will change.  When I look to the many memories I hold near and dear to my heart almost always one or more of my friends is right there.

Like me, you probably gather together with your friend(s) from time to time and reminisce about those youthful, crazy years in which you each had more guts than brains. To this day, my friends and I get quite a laugh about our former antics and then announce halfway through the stories, “There must have been an angel looking out for us.”

Thankfully, we are not fixated on the past to the point of boring others around us but we can certainly spin a tale or two. We can gather with equally as much chatter about the rich lives we live now, but, what has changed is that for the most part we have more brains than guts.  As a result, we spend more time trying to convince each other about the merits of pushing beyond our comfort zone in careers, life and love.

Each of my friends are not necessarily friends with each other.  When we come together it is always good but it is not likely that they stay in close contact outside of that; I am the common link. Though, there are some commonalities, for the most part we are quite different. We are diverse in age, professions, family circumstances and even most interests…is that odd? We are also divided in our pet preferences dog people vs. cat people. (I’m on the dog side)

Each friend brings a special kind of love and wisdom to our relationship; their uniqueness is what draws me closer. My mother told me many times when I was a child, “you don’t want a rainy day friend,” these were the types of people who were only there when they had nothing better to do. I would certainly say I have grown up surrounded by friends that are there through the rainy, stormy and sunny days.

When you look at your own life take a moment to acknowledge those who hold that special title called FRIEND. 

How would you describe your friends?

What do they mean to you?

How do they contribute to your well being?

Remind them every once and awhile just how important their friendship is to you.

To my friends:

Je vous aime, mes chers amis ( Now, go look up the translation. We took French in school, remember?) 

I awoke with my own scream. It seemed so loud in my head that I wondered if my neighbours could hear. It wasn’t the first time I had awoke with such a jolt and I know it won’t be my last. Since as far back as I can remember I have had brilliant dreams nightly and nightmares that happen at least once a week. They are intense, vivid and often repeat. There is all manner of persons, places and scenarios that make up my journey into the mind. When I used to share some of my dreams, friends were surprised by my recall. When we discussed my nightmares people would joke “You could give Stephen King a run for his money.” For the record, I don’t read horror nor enjoy horror movies, so that can’t be a trigger for my nightmare predicament.

I dream in colour and can even smell things. I feel like I travel and even recognize areas as if I know them in real life but intellectually I know I have never been there. Other languages are spoken, music and songs written with full instruments, past, present, future situations even science fictional elements. It is a mixed bag, a depth of mind too complex and misunderstood. Sometimes it can be just plain exhausting, no, scratch that… it is not sometimes exhausting, it is plain exhausting!

Many years ago,  during a particularly bad bout of nightmares, I sought the help of a counsellor. I explained the graphic details and described physical reactions during and post dreams. Every thing was as clear to me as the night they occurred and so I was acutely aware they were having an impact on my waking hours. The counsellor taught me a few techniques, but, the one that was most valuable was how to pull myself out of a nightmare when it got too much. Previously, that had been difficult for me to do but after trying her strategy multiple times I got better at it.

There was a sense of power in that ability to release myself from the throws of action and dialogue. It was like ejecting from an spiraling airplane, I simply pulled the lever and left. Of course, that doesn’t mean I will be completely safe, as debris from the nightmare still circulates moments, sometimes even hours afterward. I guess, that is better than what might of been my fate had I stayed with the dreadful story unfolding in the dream. Then, there is the sense of guilt or shame attached with having such nightmares. A friend of mine once disclosed that same feeling after having a disturbing dream and I understood completely. The questions about “Why?” surface and “What does this say about me?” Of course, ultimately it is not a fault issue but somehow it is easy to question our own role than accept the normalcy of what appears completely abnormal.

I keep a dream book to post anything that appears to have some greater significance; at least I can revisit it later to try to interpret its meaning. I have conversations with people and the minute I wake up I think to myself, “Don’t forget that.” More often than not, I do forgot things people say, but obviously it wasn’t that important. At least I hope it wasn’t. Dreams and nightmares baffle me, I would like for once to go to sleep and completely not remember a thing that went on until I awoke the following morning. To this day, I have never experienced a night without action. My mind is active twenty-four seven, 365 days out of the year and I guess it will fade into silence on my last day on this earth. Though, maybe not? The next level of consciousness could be just as active…”Oh I just need some rest!”

Check this video out; one of my favourite songs!

 These Dreams

When I heard that Ontario is now going to legalize brothels I questioned for a moment whether I was I was still living in Canada. Based on a false sense that brothel’s protect prostituted women and girls, the misinformed courts have opened up the flood gates for all the ills that have plague other countries who tried and failed to legalize prostitution.

If you are reading this post I’m going to ask you to become informed and contact your MP. If you are not willing to stand up against the exploitation of girls and women, have no interest in sending a message to human traffickers that Canada is not the place to do business, if you would not care if your daughter, sister, mother or friend ended up in circumstances that allowed men to purchase them for sexual purposes…then go ahead and click to another blog or go back to whatever you were doing before you landed here. It’s your choice and thankfully YOU have one.

However, if you are moved to support victims of exploitation, learn more about the Nordic Model and want to send a message to our Government read on.

Please get in touch with your local MP. Write a letter, email or call. Do whatever it takes to change this decision; we only have a few months to do so as the Crown attempts an appeal.

Contact:

Parliament: www.parl.gc.ca

Justice Minister of Canada: rob.nicholson@parl.gc.ca

Prime Minister Stephen Harper: pm@pm.gc.ca

Email and cc all of the above. There is a great letter you can download Letter Outline – provided by EVE.

Here is what you need to know:

Read the rest of this entry »

He was barely out of high school, she was a stay at home Mom who hadn’t worked outside of the home in more than twenty-five years, each needed a resume. The problem was they both didn’t feel that they had anything to write about. He shared “I have no work experience” and she said, “The last time I worked I was a waitress and that was a long time ago.” So begins the resume built on life experiences.

If careers are the sum total of your life experiences then the resume is just the written version of that story. However, most would agree that generating a picture of your life experiences, for a resume or cover letter, can be a daunting process. Especially, if you don’t know what to leave in or leave out or what questions to ask. However, there are great tips and tricks to flush out the information that can help you create a resume that best reflects your skills and accomplishments.

First thing you want to do is start a list that includes:

* Previous employment – No matter how far back it goes just write it down. You may or may not reference it in a resume but the skills are potentially notable and transferable.

* Volunteer experience – Paid or unpaid, all work counts.

* Recreational activities – What do you do for fun?

* Academic background – List formal education. Also, add learning that took place outside of a formal educational environment. Include: continuing education, self study, online courses, tele-seminars, company specific professional development.

* Turning points – Reflect on turning points in your life and note examples.

* Accomplishments and Goals – List past accomplishments and future goals.

Once you have finished going over your list, pass it along to someone else you trust  and see if they have anything to add. Often we forget or don’t recognize all the things we have done and having an extra set of eyes on our experience often yields more information to add to our work and skill search.

With each of the above lists you can pull out even more valuable insights. Take yourself through an experience, job or day and ask yourself:

* What did I do?

* What did I learn from that experience, course or job?

* What did I enjoy and why?

* What did I dislike and why?

* What did I accomplish and how?

* What new tools or equipment did I use?

* What positive feedback or awards did I receive from others?

Armed with all of this you can now begin the process of resume development. Of course, you may need some assistance in understanding the structure and type of resume that will work best for you but there are plenty of resources within your community and through private coaching, books and online sources. (Be aware: some sources, in particular online may be out of date or not relevant to your geographical area or field) Seeking advice is highly recommended.

For our young worker and stay at home Mom it became abundantly clear that by answering these questions there was a lot of marketable skills to promote, new references to add and an idea of where to target their resumes. The confidence they gained was evident with each new piece. They saw just how much they have contributed on a daily basis, how much value they had to offer, they could see what makes them unique. Best of all, they now had the language to describe how others may benefit from their experience.

Here is an excerpt from a card I received that was entitled “Thankful Me…”

“Thank you for a learning experience I will keep forever. You helped me change my future and I am truly grateful.” JM

I share JM’s words with you so that you see the power and hope that emerges from uncovering your experience and the connection it has to self esteem. It is hard work, I know, but the gains are immense. From a work search perspective your story is what separates you from all other applicants; there is no other like you! Knowing how to incorporate your life experience into a resume, cover letter or interview is one more tool for you to use that will make you stand out of the crowd. If you have any questions around this please feel free to email me or provide a question or comment below.

My husband and I were out for dinner with friends and their daughter at a popular restaurant. It is peak time and the servers are hopping between the kitchen and the tables. Amongst all of the chaos, there they were. The apple of their Daddy’s eyes, sweet little girls maybe 3 and 5 years old, running and screaming happily…IN A RESTAURANT!!

Having created their own imaginary runway from one end of the restaurant to the entrance, between tables and the kitchen/bar area, these two children ran back and forth. The wee one, barely into the walking stage, equally enjoyed herself as she used her new found freedom on foot to try keep up with her big sister. The eldest was in full throttle running mode and both screamed and squealed with delight. At one point, the older girl ran into the back of the legs of a server carrying a tray, thankfully, nothing was dumped and the child carried on. You may be wondering where the parents were during all of this. Sitting at a table, was a group of parents, one of which was obviously Daddy with a big smile on his face as he watched his cherubs fly across the room.

The rest of us…not so happy. After some time of watching this go on and the usual glares and mild chatter everyone does regarding the matter, I lost it. I shouted “Stop running and Stop screaming!” Neither the children flying by or the parents three tables down noticed. They couldn’t hear over the noise that was emanating not only from other patrons talking, music and kitchen but my shout was drowned out by a loud scream from the toddler. Another person told them to “stop” but nothing changed.

This was not only annoying but dangerous. I can’t for the life of me understand why any parent thinks it is cute or appropriate for a child to play, run or scream in a restaurant. It is plain wrong! I have seen this time and time again whether we are dining at a budget friendly establishment or 5 star hotel; parents watching (or ignoring) their children as they disturb everyone around them. What is that about?

Where is the discipline?

What happened to teaching manners?

Why do they not care about the well being and enjoyment of other patrons?

Are they unconcerned about the safety of their child?

What about the staff that must begrudgingly put up with the little hellions and for whom injury to self or others is a real possibility as they try to manoeuvre around the play?

Over the years, I have seen other people who have reached their threshold of tolerance. They say something to the children, ask the parents to handle the situation (which results in blank stares) or quietly mention to the managers or servers about the problem. Why should we have to go that far? Here is the bottom line:

Restaurants are for dining only! It is not a child’s personal playground and if parents don’t want the rest of us to comment or set some rules then they should take responsibility for their own child’s behaviour. If I was to start running around, shouting, screaming, popping up over the back of a booth or crawling under the table, people would find my behaviour upsetting. WELL???

Children are capable of understanding the concept of dining and it is time that parents everywhere start to recognize that fact and instill some manners. If not, then more restaurants will have to become Adults Only establishments or start erecting signs to warn us all Caution: Kids running loose in restaurant! Least then we can choose to take our hard earned dollars elsewhere and enjoy a meal they way it was intended to be enjoyed.

If you find yourself doing a lot of things for other people, you are not alone. Women are often conditioned to look after other people, to be attuned to other’s needs and most often at the expense of their own. However, that need to rescue, please, fix or support isn’t always in the best interest of everyone involved.

You have probably experienced a situation where someone is trying to do an activity, slowly, methodically or even incorrectly from your perspective and your first instinct is to step in and do it yourself. Maybe, you recognized something needs to be said and you want to tell a person just how you feel or what you think but, you resist because you don’t believe they are strong enough to hear it. Sometimes you may even feel that your feelings are not valid or your time precious in comparison to others. So, off you go saying “Yes” without ever considering the dynamic you have just set up for yourself and your relationship with the other person or persons. Rescuer’s are in each of those examples.

Some rescuer’s can feel a sense of superiority to the person they are attempting to rescue. Have you ever heard yourself saying, “They need me, without my help where would they be?” It is not uncommon for that to spiral into resentment or persecution of others when you don’t feel your efforts were appreciated. Through your need to be needed, family members, colleagues at work or community acquaintances learn to be dependent on your pattern of assistance.

Whatever the scenario, it is helpful to ask yourself:

What roles do I take on?

Why do I believe it is my responsibility to rescue others?

Is there a difference in the the people I tend to rescue? (Age? Gender? Demonstrating bias towards or against individuals)

What do I gain?

Exploring your motivation for being a rescuer is an important piece in the goal to letting go. Often when you come to understand Who? What? and Why? you also learn that rescuing is more to serve yourself rather than others. Even if your intention is to be helpful, it may not be the healthiest approach. People can feel like they are not capable or worthy if you keep stepping in. They don’t learn new skills such as communication or assertiveness. There is an isolation that can occur especially if they see others working on similar problems successfully using their own hands or critical thinking. Even feelings of anger can emerge because of lack of control and powerlessness. Learned helplessness is not what you want to pass along.

If you want to break the need to rescue, try the following:

1. Encourage others to do things for themselves. Give information and show them possibilities; let them go from there. Provide positive reinforcement.

2. Believe in others’ abilities to learn and help themselves. Don’t make assumptions that they can’t do either.

3. Do no more than 50% of the work in any relationship. We teach people how to treat us; believe that you deserve as much respect and equal treatment as they do.

4. Drop the superiority complex. Your way is not the right way or the only way. People will survive without you and must be allowed to experience life lessons.

5. Set boundaries. When you set boundaries for your time and relationships you are far less likely to fall into the rescue trap.

Break the need to rise to the rescue position. Instead, step outside of that role and into an equal relationship with everyone you meet. I guarantee many people will benefit from the new you.

Let’s talk about something completely different…Reinvention and Rebellion. Two areas  I am very familiar with. Women are always reinventing themselves and for me, the reinvention usually comes when I have hit my limit of acceptance that this is all there is. Whether in relationships, career or attempting to reach higher enlightenment there always comes a time when I question and then stir things up a little. You might also have experienced moments in which you asked yourself “Is this serving me?” and after some soul searching promptly made for an exit in search of something a little different. Even if it is not of our own doing, change comes a calling. Just when you think you got it figured out…Wham! chaos ensues. This is the point in which I feel like I’m living in a giant snow globe and a hand has come out of nowhere to start shaking my life around. When the flakes settle I emerge stronger but slightly peed off that somebody messed with my sometimes neurotic but often orderly way of doing things.  Throw in the menopausal element in this and we now have the perfect storm.

Rebellion…Well, don’t we all have a story or two about resistance? I have to say I think I was born with that streak. Really! I honesty believe I came out of the womb saying, through my internal voice, “OK people, things are about to change because I have places to go, things to give, people to irritate and lots to talk about.” This was because I knew that I am way too sensitive to the energy of everything and everyone around me. Heck, I can’t even wear a watch because my own energy causes it to quit working very quickly.  Anybody need a watch? Even before there were words to express my inner knowing, I was aware our roots are deep and our connection to each other is powerful. Of course, that in turn meant that I kept running from sensory overload and felt compelled to express my discomfort with the status quo.   I will be honest though, there are some things in life that just wear me out and rebelling against them is actually damaging my health. Despite that, I know that everyday acts of rebellion are what makes me tick.

Adjusting to the changing seasons of life and knowing we will never read the final script that outlined our identity means it is always a fascinating and a very arduous journey.  I’m certain, that I will have regrets even if I wanted to believe I could evolve beyond. I know that as I hit the next phase, I will still forget about the wisdom that has been imparted by those greater than I and do things that will rock the boat. Losing track in these fast times is guaranteed, for me. But, many people have difficulty keeping up and so we are constantly reinventing more creative ways in which to learn. Each of us have hopes for what we might accomplish in this lifetime. My hope is that I leave this world with the intention I came in with, having made a difference, observed what I most needed to see, ruffled feathers that needed ruffling and said most, if not all, of what I came hear to say. If not, I will be back, having reinvented myself and fully prepared to re-assume my position of rebel with or without a cause.

March is Women’s History Month in the U.S.A, Australia and UK. Canada celebrates women’s history in October. The key thing for me is not when it is recognized but that it is recognized at all. My goal is to share with you why this history matters.

I don’t know how many conversations I have had in which my enthusiasm for telling stories of women’s history results in people’s realization of just how little they know on the topic. More questions come forward to which I try to respond and for the women in the room, especially, I see them go from interest, to pride and then to frustration. The frustration comes from a greater awareness that all this history isn’t common knowledge; a sense of being cheated. Invariably, the conversation progresses to how many males in history we know versus women.

To me, it has to go beyond the conversation of women missing from the history books and instead go to, how are we going to ensure that the legacy and accomplishments of those past and present don’t continue to get swept into a quiet dusty corner of the library or book store? In fact, for a moment I want you to consider when you last stepped foot into a book store or library. Could you easily find the books on women’s history? I know that if you found it at all, the section would be very small. Despite the extent to which women have participated in the advancement of this world there is still not enough emphasis on writing, presenting or educating the public on their contributions.

Why should you care? Why should we care about learning any history? Simply put, it opens our minds in a way that very few things can. It gives us both the pain and the pleasure, the dream and the journey, the learning that comes from intelligent ideas through to tangible mistakes. History gives us blueprints for the future and commands us to recognize sacrifice in the pursuit of goals. Through history we a drawn into a play of characters and circumstances that help us identify so many attributes within our ourselves. Sometimes there are stories we hold in high regard and other times there are things we wished were not a part of our human experience. We gain our pride and self esteem when we can look at an individual (or individuals) in history who embody the characteristics we want to cultivate or may possess.

When women get left out of the history lessons in our schools, books and media, then we essentially only learn a fraction of what has happened, is happening or could happen. It is an inaccurate accounting of events and by that omission we are not only obtaining misleading information but have created a false representation of women’s roles in society. This distorted interpretation fuels the lack of communication and respect that can exist between girls and boys, women and men. It is difficult to have a fair discussion on the relevance and contributions of women when everything thus far has been taken out of context.

Self esteem and dreams are built often by the seed of one comment or influential encounter. It is a piece of knowledge from or about a woman who broke barriers, changed the course of history, patented a product, invented a cure, contributed through military service, traversed the globe, built a business empire, fought for rights or died for her beliefs. All of these examples can be the seed that changes our lives. Girls will benefit from this identification on multiple levels but society benefits through the skill development and contribution that comes from an empowered woman.

This is not the sole responsibility of women to ensure historical information is accurate, it needs to be something that all educators, parents and general public take on as an important project.  Understanding the significance of women, away from mainstream portrayals and often exploitative illustrations, assists in the elevation of our relationships both personally and professionally. There is no other forums in which we would appreciate only hearing half the data. We would most likely feel slighted if someone fails to give us a full accounting of the facts or paints a picture that is unflattering. Yet, we have been apathetic to the missing pieces of our collective history, mainly because women were deemed irrelevant.

What can I do? It is time to honor women and to recognize that if you appreciate history at all then we must add in the stories of those whose contributions have been sorely missed. If you are unable to rally your schools or libraries to see the value in expanding the knowledge of women’s history then choose to pass along what you’ve learned to your children and anyone else who will listen. The story you tell may change one person’s perception of women or propel a girl towards what she previously thought was an unattainable dream.

It’s another day and another dollar is trying to be squeezed out of tax payers to make teachers across this Province feel better about their jobs. While the BCTF is looking for approval to strike, many people in the Province can’t help but wonder “When will this insanity end?”

We are bombarded by ads and rhetoric that suggest it is all in support of the students but so much of the discussion seems to be around wages, paid leave and benefits. In a previous post on this topic I looked deeply into just how many “benefits” teachers already get and that is over and above the increasing number of days off. I am unsupportive of their plight and I don’t believe most of what is being discussed addresses the needs within the school system. Such as:

Infrastructure: Aging buildings and portable classrooms have been talked about for years. It stands to reason that upgrades to and expansion of schools in the fast growing areas of our Province, would be a primary focus given both need and safety concerns for the students.

Classroom materials: Recently, I had a conversation with someone who mentioned that it was not uncommon for teachers to buy materials for their students because without their intervention those materials would not be available. Wouldn’t it be prudent to ensure that money be allocated to necessary learning materials for the students.

Special Needs Assistance: There is an increased need for Special Education Assistants within our classrooms, as we have more students that require specialized support across this Province. These professionals are needed to assist the teacher with the learning, behavioural or physical challenges that accompany some children. While the responsibility may lie with the teacher to develop a learning plan, in partnership with family/student, it is the assistant’s job to implement that plan on a day to day basis. However, not all teachers do that effectively and given my relationship with several people involved in this process I can tell you that there are teachers who do not properly value the role of S.E.A’s. These people are not glorified babysitters and if it appears that they are, it would only be due to an absence of involvement from teachers and school administrators. So, increasing the hiring of S.E.A’s and support services would be best for the students.

In all three of these examples I can not find one reason to support wage increases, benefit top ups or more days off. If it is really about the children than you tell me how increasing anyone’s wage will solve the real issues facing today’s schools? A strike will have an impact on what is already a school year rife with disruptions. No supervision, no report cards, no partnership between administrators and teachers has most certainly caused adverse effects. It is not the high functioning students that we need to worry about in this dispute, it is those who are falling through the cracks. There are many parents who most likely don’t even have a clue that their child is behind or failing.

The children and their parents don’t have options in all of this but teachers do. In fact, they have so many options for their future it is mind-blowing. I’m tired of listening to the complaints coming from people who are using “students” as pawns. I’m annoyed when I hear about their desire for a 15 % wage increase when most people are facing roll backs. It is hard to feel sympathetic towards a group that can put upwards of $900 a month into their pension when I can’t even afford to put $900 a year into mine. I’m saddened that many kids come out into the job market unable to spell, understand math or struggle to read.  Their lack of preparedness and learning challenges then become the responsibility of people like me, who provide support services to fill in the gaps. 

We all have tremendous responsibility. Though, I appreciate that teaching is a hard job, I can think of many others that are equally important to our development and health. Teachers are an essential service, and as such, should not ever be allowed to put the education and supervision of our children at risk.