Tag Archives: finding your voice

The Consequences Of Being Seen And Not Heard

The Consequences Of Being Seen And Not Heard

When I was a child there were strict rules around when to speak and when not to speak. Expressing opinion was not encouraged and how I felt was not considered relevant. I remember when company would visit I had no involvement in conversations unless asked to do so.

The intention was to teach discipline and respect which I’m sure at the time seemed liked a good idea but was that all there was to the message? It should be pointed out that this silence was imposed by my mother and she followed the teachings of her father.

I’ve spoken to many women over the years, professionally and personally,  who confess they didn’t have a voice in their own home. I have yet to meet a man who would say the same. Lately this topic surfaced again and that made me think, What are the consequences of such silence?

Whether we see it as a simple proverb,  a gender specific directive, a culturally accepted request or whatever, to be seen and not heard is not healthy.

I wouldn’t doubt that growing up without an appreciation of your voice, opinion or presence is why so many people find it difficult in the workplace to confidently advocated for themselves or verbally contribute in a way that would demonstrate their skills.

Within group settings I have had participants who experienced a visible or invisible reaction to the mere sound of their own voice. Later they shared with me why that it is so difficult to contribute to topics even though they want to  and so many times its attributed to learned silence.

This also doesn’t bode well for intimate relationships. People who have been conditioned to be seen and not heard often can be prey for abusive or highly dominant partners. That lack of voice as a child may create unsafe situations in adulthood.

There is hope and resources.

As a former “to been seen and not heard kid”, I look back on what helped me develop my communication skills and confidence.

  1. Mentors and good friends – people demonstrated to me the value of self-expression and how to develop MY voice.
  2. I reluctantly put myself in situations that had me use my voice and I reaped the benefits of learning.
  3. I forgave my mother for her role in passing along this opinion by recognizing her father and societies imprint was strongly influential.
  4. I protect my voice from those that seem to want to silence or overpower it and encourage others to do the same. You Are To Be Seen AND Heard
  5. I found an outlet for my voice in singing and writing. Creative expression might help you to find your voice.

Resource: Toastmasters Club is an international organization that can be very helpful in building confidence and your voice. Check them out.

Permission To Switch Off Your Job

Are you always thinking about work? Never too far away from your phone or computer? Readily available to solve, coordinate or manage something? Do you believe that without your skills the organization will crumble or someone better will come along and replace you?

Then you are not alone.

Giving yourself permission to switch off at the end of a long work day can be tricky. Many people struggle to separate themselves from their job long enough to enjoy time for self and family. Common statements are, “Well if I don’t do it then it probably won’t get done” or “They expect me to handle these things, it’s the nature of the job” or ” I don’t mind. It will just take a few minutes and then I can take a break.”

We are all susceptible to becoming creatures of habit plagued by delusions of grandeur.

Our jobs can become our identity and our home is a cubical with air conditioning. Maybe we are lucky enough to have an office suite on the 20th floor of a building but likely haven’t taken in the scenery since the first day the work station was offered to us. Even as we ride transit or drive along in our cars we are still reachable to discuss business. We simply can’t (or won’t) turn off.

If you live and breathe work I suspect the only time you give yourself permission to step away from your job is when you’ve paid hundreds of dollars for an off-the-grid vacation or your doctor diagnoses you with a significant health problem. The vacation sounds nice but your doctors message doesn’t.

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If you think it is time to switch off your job maybe the following suggestion will help.

  1. Critically examine the consequences of always being available for work. Is this truly working for you or against you? Do others suffer as a result of your work schedule? If you don’t know the answer to that question then ask them.
  2. Find your voice and practice advocacy. There are many benefits to identifying your needs and speaking your truth. Sometimes our managers or colleagues are unaware of how much responsibility is being placed upon us and it is our job to communicate boundaries.
  3. Be realistic. Our fears about what will happen, if we are not available 24/7, are usually not based on fact.  When you are lying flat on your back in a hospital room there comes a sobering moment when you will realize the world goes on without you.
  4. If you can’t see what is possible beyond work then appoint someone who will show you the way and keep you in check. It is hard to switch off the brain and resist the urge to respond to the various tones that indicate someone is messaging you. You might need a sober buddy to assist you in your transition from work addict to leisure lover.

 

A Bloggers Anniversary

It was one year ago when I started blogging.

My initial concern was the exposure to so many people and how to maintain my professional image while dispensing personal opinions. Early on my friend and colleague mentioned about “finding your voice,” as every blogger has their unique style represented in their posts. I’m not sure if I have found “my voice”, I think so…though I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I do know that I have posted less material that would address my professional knowledge as it pertains to careers and concentrated mainly on interests. I admit sometimes I hold back in my posts. In my professional life I’m contemplative, I like to think before I speak. I have a vast amount of information but fall heavily back on my counselling skills to hear the story before providing counsel. My approach is supportive and non-judgmental and I truly assess what is in the best interest of my clients or students.

My blogging and writing is at times all together different!

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