No matter what kind of relationship people think they have there is always room for deception. Its covert nature allows it to remain undetected for years until such time as the senses are tweaked or a mistake is made and the cover is blown.

You read about it, watch shows about it, even hear about it within your own social circle. Everyone knows someone who at one time or another was deceived by their spouse or partner. The reasons are many for this behaviour, the most common and succinct reasons for lying, after researching this topic, were the following:

1. To avoid consequences – rather lie than own up to a behaviour

2. Afraid of losing their spouse or partner

3. Embarrassment – to tell the truth may be humiliating

4. Protect someones feelings – perceived hurt will come from disclosure

5. Control – manipulating what someone will think for their own gain

6. Addiction – hiding from self and others

7. Lifestyle – holding on to behaviours even if they are damaging trust/intimacy

I have read enough blogs, websites, heard personal stories and have experienced the presence of this interloper. As humans we appear unable to stop it from trespassing in our lives. I believe that some people may keep their secrets or outwardly lie because they truly feel there is a need to protect something of importance to them. I, however think that it is hard to ask for love and trust to enter in a relationship, when behind the scene is deception.

The question becomes…Can trust and love exist in the presence of lies and secrets? and What about forgiveness? When we see celebrities and even politicians (mainly wives) supposedly forgiving their partners lies and indiscretions are we to assume it is status quo?

I don’t believe one truly forgives and I know one can never forget. It is my belief that deception and the associated behaviours leave a permanent mark on a relationship, even if you are unaware of all that is going on. It can’t possibly not! Every time you tell a lie or keep something from your partner are you not putting one more brick up in front of true intimacy?

As for forgiveness I found an interesting analysis of forgive and forget by Dr. Guy Grenier who appeared on CBC’s Steven and Chris show.

“Forgiveness is essentially saying you’ve done something wrong, but that is OK. No, it wasn’t Ok what you did; doing it wasn’t OK yesterday, today, 10 days from now or twenty years from now. Giving somebody a get out of jail free card because they’ve done something or even worse someone saying, “you have to forgive me.”  “No.”

“However, you don’t have to live with every pain you have ever suffered. Reconcile that bad things happen, we are not always going to get along, and we are going to do things that may hurt each other. But having this expectation that you are now going to have to deny your feelings, you have to lie about this hurt that may hurt you for the rest of your life, but you are not allowed to express or go back to that cuz you said “you would forgive”. “Is not true.”

I like that. Freeing in so many ways to know that you don’t have to live with the pain but you also don’t have to deny your feelings.

If you have been deceived or continue to be deceived there are decisions that must be made in any relationship. It is not uncommon for some people to turn their head in the hopes that see no evil will work and they will be able to go on with their life. I would err on the side of caution. Is it safe to stay in a partnership which could be riddled with deception and expect it to survive? How much can a soul take? In the definition of love was there any mention of secrets and lies? How much is too much forgiveness?

Lauryn Hill – some lyrics from Lost Ones

…Consequences is no coincidence/Hypocrites always want to play innocent/Always want to take it to the full out extent/ Never want to make it seem like good intent/ Never want to face it when it’s time for punishment/ I  know that you don’t wanna hear my opinion/ But there come many paths and you must choose one/ And if you don’t change then the rain soon come/See you might win some but you just lost one. You might win some but you just lost one.

…Now don’t you understand man universal law/ What you throw out come back to you, star/Never underestimate those who you scar/ Cuz karma, karma, karma comes back to you hard.

3 Responses to “Deception and Forgiveness”