Rihanna abused by her boyfriend and many are stunned!

Here is my confession, up until this story broke I did not know who either Rihanna or Chris Brown were. What I do know is with “reported” stats indicating 1 and 4 women (and girls) have been victims of abuse, Rihanna’s case is not unique.  The truth is violence against women has been condoned throughout history, even as we live in the year 2009, it is firmly intact. Though awareness has grown about the problems we as a society face from its existence, and laws are enacted in most parts of the world, the fact is that abuse remains.

I have worked extensively with women who have been victims of sexual assault and partner assault. The victims of assault are from all social, economic and cultural backgrounds. Famous or not the cycle of abuse is very powerful, Rihanna is revolving around in it right now and people seem to want answers.

Certain beliefs about women and their relationship to men are as powerful as they ever were. Messages are downloaded into our brains every day from various sources that tell us just where a woman ranks in terms of importance. We strengthen a wide range of stereotypes through family of origin dynamics and media reinforcement. Beyond the familial connections there is the reality that women’s bodies are used to sell goods, and film/television portrays violence against women often, sometimes in horrific detail. Women understand their vulnerability, abusers have reinforcement that violating women is normal and often sexy.

There are various degrees of abuse aimed at women, some times it is so insidious we barely notice. There can be a gradual acceptance of certain behaviours that a truly civilized and humane society would not welcome, but over time with enough desenitization and exposure we do not question it.  As in our tolerance for objectification, exploitation and the use of demeaning language; which further schools men (and women) into believing that women are the weaker sex and deserving of such treatment.  Does any of those things mean a man will turn to sexual or physical abuse? Maybe not, but it certainly doesn’t say he respects women. So, for many women the seeds of “I am less than you” are sown far before the first blow is struck.

To this day there are women who are discouraged or more accurately expected not to complain and sacrificing self for the good of the relationship or family is common. Women have been conditioned to believe that their needs, health, values and viewpoint are secondary. Therefore, voicing concerns to others that may be in a position to assist, is usually not their first response to emotional or physical abuse.

In Rihanna’s case, like others, the view from the outside has people asking “Why would she stay?” but what is the view from the inside.

The inside is confused, saddened and tries desperately to rationalize the irrational. Damage to self esteem was sustained long before an occurrence such as the one Rihanna experienced. The message was already embedded that the abusive behaviour experienced in her relationship was acceptable. The violation we now are privy to, certainly was not her first encounter and most likely will not be her last. There are usually always threats, and given the severity could make her decision making harder. Given Rihanna’s life, I would also speculate she has many people (so called handlers) talking in her ear.

The question that we should be interested in exploring is “his” involvement. This is the face and actions of an abuser. What should we glean from Chris Brown? That abuser’s come in all forms and there is no excuse that will ever justify hitting a woman. The police reported extensive injuries to Rihanna and she nearly was left unconscious from being place in head lock. He is lucky that his actions did not escalate to causing her death.

Here is what we don’t want to do, victim bash or go down the road with some poor defence of his actions. He needs help! Chris Brown is sick and his assault should not be excused. Given what we know about the psyche of a victim; whether this woman wants charges or prosecution this man has broken the law and regardless of his status he needs punishment and counselling.

It is my hope that dialogue comes from this that is helpful to families and couples about what a relationship between a man and a woman should be. These two people are not examples of love. He is not an example of a good man, far from it. Rihanna should not be glorified as “standing by her man”, she is a victim of a viscious assault, who lacks the ability to find her way free at this time. Hopefully, she will get the help she needs too.